Breakups Are Very Different for Codependents With CPTSD

Breakups Are Very Different for Codependents With CPTSD

I'm a Certified Professional Life Coach who helps people heal from breakups and divorces. I'll also add that I've committed to my own healing path from codependency and CPTSD (Childhood Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Breakups are very different for codependents with CPTSD.

I decided to share what went on for me with my own breakup so you can learn from it and I can purge it.

Writing is a great way to release energy. I journal daily and try my best to meditate. Meditation is tough for those with CPTSD. I found Theta Healing Guided Meditations and Vedic Meditations which work wonders for me. I highly recommend it.

When Covid-19 hit in March 2020, I had just turned 49, was in a 4 year relationship living on Miami Beach. I started 2020 as most people did, with big plans for the year. My now ex boyfriend and I were looking at 2 bedroom apartments on zillow. We were in love, connected, having fun just being us.

And then Covid hit.

It was as if two matrices opened up and the entire world was split in two. People who may have not discussed or paid a whole lot of attention to politics couldn't help to. Everything was and continues to be politicized. I wasn't buying any of it. I felt like I was being sold a big lie.

The boyfriend found himself on one matrix and I found myself on the other. We lived 5 blocks away from one another on South Beach. While apart during the week, I was attracting information aligned with my energetic and consciousness level. We attract what we are ready for.

I'm also highly intuitive, psychic even so I see flashes of truth when being lied to. I feel it inside.

Also as a codependent who healed from narcissistic abuse with CPTSD I am hyper vigilant to gaslighting, virtue signaling, and manipulation. Throw in the fact that I did public relations for 23 years and know how the media operates. I pride myself on feeling my inner lie detector go off and in 2020 it was on tilt.

When my boyfriend and I would see one another we would have fun but then I'd launch into a heated discussion about what was happening in our world. I couldn't believe he wasn't seeing what I was.

The wedge between us started to grow. It was sad to see the unraveling of what was a really close and good relationship.

By July I couldn't take the energy of Miami Beach anymore. I had lived there a decade and all the things I detested about it became more apparent in 2020. I was being called to move quite frankly away from the Godlessness and dark energy that Miami has as a city.

By the end of July I had moved to Sarasota. I knew no one but knew I'd make friends. The boyfriend and I decided to keep things going long distance. Miami is 3 hours 15 minutes away and he wanted me to live where I'd feel good. I wanted him to decide to move here too. He didn't. After 4 months of living apart I saw how this is how things would remain. He liked it too much. He had the best set up, a girlfriend in a really great city and got to live in Miami.

I wanted more. I want a man who wants to merge lives with me and not just be a really great boyfriend.

By November after the 2020 election, and all the political mess that followed, I felt alone, disconnected from him. Despite having fun together when he'd come stay with me, I grew bored with being in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. My life was changing and when we're called forward to grow and evolve those we love either grow with us or we part ways. It's heartbreaking, more so for codependents with CPTSD. Breakups are incredibly traumatizing which is why codependents stay in relationships that they have doubts about and rectify the things they have doubts about.

Most people feel badly and out of sorts after a breakup, but they recalibrate. Within a few weeks they step into a new life and move forward. Codependents do not.

Codependents with CPSTD enter a state of anxiety, depression, brain fog, inability to focus and an overwhelming feeling of regret. The post relationship analysis and processing becomes rumination and it's incredibly difficult to soothe.

I went into isolation. I knew only one person here and was feeling so low and awful that I just wanted to fall asleep December 1st and wake up around January 15th completely healed.

Instead I petered about and lost time, I can't say I remember anything productive that I did in December. I was on autopilot. My clients and business are what kept me going. I put the focus off of me, and onto them.

By January, I was approached by a man in my private messages on Facebook. He had seen me in a Sarasota Facebook Group and asked me on a date. I wasn't anywhere near ready to date. I knew this.

It was totally my codependency kicking in. I was so done with spinning in my head over this breakup, and I wrote it off as an excuse to go out and interact with someone; a wealthy man.

He totally wasn't for me. I was attracted to his lifestyle but wasn't attracted to him. The vibe I had with the ex boyfriend was great, we were friends and I haven't had that kind of chemistry and connection since my ex husband. All the great stuff was too fresh in my mind.

It sucked that I ended it. I regretted it and couldn't do anything about it. It was done.

I found myself not ready to date but not wanting to feel miserable. This is the quintessential breakup struggle for codependents with CPTSD. It's a dog chasing tail emotional existence and it absolutely sucks. I had to coach myself. I remember splitting the coach aspect of myself apart from the sad, confused aspect, and working through it. My self-talk became a coaching session with myself.

I was able to take the reins and stopped dating. I felt empowered in that decision but it only added onto the awfulness I was feeling. Two weeks later, I'm out at a restaurant with a digital marketer discussing my business and I meet another guy.

This guy is charismatic and confident. We clicked. I felt like there could be a friendship there in addition to something romantic. I also liked that he too was new to Sarasota, shared the same political beliefs as I do and had plans to buy a home. I found something about him attractive. He's smart, makes me laugh and I liked the ease and flow of it. We got along. It was good.

I started seeing him and felt better. The excitement of a new relationship took the place of the sadness and grieving my ex boyfriend. I said I'd give it a month and see how I feel. Then I'd continue another month. I love this month-to-month approach to new relationships. I recommend it as a smart dating strategy for those who do my one on one Date With Power and Purpose program.

The problem is that I wasn't truly ready. I was only broken up for 2 months with the ex. That was a 4.5 year relationship. It was still very much in me. So I had to take the self loving action, step back and recognize that the CPTSD was affecting the way I'd show up in this relationship.

I want to feel solid, secure and safe. That means everything to codependents with CPTSD. I know that I want the connection that I had with my ex boyfriend and my ex husband. That rare deep affinity and friendship plus attraction. I also want to enter a relationship from a good feeling place, not from a place of scarcity, lack and sadness. I also want to merge lives with someone who wants the same level of commitment as I do. I'm interested in a partner, not just being a girlfriend

So here I am rolling solo in Sarasota. I decided to focus on my business, my health and building good friendships. I'm totally clear about what I want out of life and I won't settle. I know it exists. I must prepare for it. Giving myself exactly what I need and focusing on loving myself right now is what feels right. For now I date myself and do what feels right.