Can an alpha woman attract an alpha man?
If you're a successful, independent woman who wants a strong, confident, accomplished man, you may have wondered:
Can an alpha woman actually attract an alpha man?
Absolutely.
But not because she learns how to make herself smaller, less successful or less powerful.
And not because she learns a collection of dating tricks designed to make a man chase her.
The shift is much deeper and I’ve helped thousands of accomplished women since 2016 learn all I lay out in this article.
Many alpha women have become exceptionally skilled at leading, achieving, solving problems and making things happen. Those qualities may have helped you create an incredible career and life. Awesome!! Yay you!!
But, when that same take-charge energy becomes your default in relationships, you can end up doing something you never intended:
Doing the man's part of the relationship for him. (And attracting men who are looking for you to lead them which gives you the ick.)
You initiate.
You plan.
You pursue.
You solve.
You accommodate.
You move the relationship forward.
You help him with his career.
You explain what you need him to do.
You try to inspire his potential.
And eventually you wonder:
Why am I doing all the work? This is exhausting! You end up feeling depleted.
If you want a strong, masculine man who has direction, initiative and the capacity for commitment, you have to create enough space to discover whether the man you're dating actually possesses those qualities.
That's where feminine energy becomes powerful.
What Is an Alpha Woman?
When I use the term alpha woman, I'm not talking about dominance.
I'm describing a woman who tends to be:
Independent.
Capable.
Ambitious.
Self-reliant.
Decisive.
Resourceful.
Confident.
Comfortable taking responsibility.
Often professionally successful.
She's accustomed to figuring things out.
All great!
The challenge comes when she unconsciously believes:
Because I can handle everything, I should.
That belief can follow her directly into dating. Dating and relationships is where you get to lean back and let them handle it.
What Is an Alpha Man?
Likewise, when I say alpha man, I'm not talking about some chest-beating caricature of masculinity.
I'm talking about the qualities many successful women tell me they want in a partner.
A man who:
Knows who he is.
Has direction in his life.
Takes responsibility for himself.
Has integrity.
Follows through.
Can make decisions.
Is emotionally mature.
Takes initiative.
Is generous.
Has purpose.
Can communicate.
Has the capacity for commitment.
And wants to build something meaningful with a woman.
The label isn't nearly as important as the character and behavior underneath it.
You don't need a man who calls himself an alpha. (These dudes are typically not Alpha. They’re well dressed beta males.)
You need a man whose behavior consistently demonstrates the qualities you value. It’s all about the actions matching their words.
Why Do Alpha Women Struggle to Attract Alpha Men?
Usually, it's not because men are intimidated by your success.
Successful women sometimes assume:
Men can't handle me because I'm too accomplished. They’re intimidated. Or I’m too much for them.
Perhaps some men can't handle the fact that you live better than they do.
That's useful information.
But a secure, accomplished man isn't necessarily threatened because you have a career, money, intelligence, opinions or ambition.
The bigger issue may be how you're accustomed to relating.
If you've spent years leading teams, solving problems and making things happen, taking charge can become automatic.
So you bring that same energy into dating and you end up attracting men who seem ok but then little by little …
You choose the restaurant.
You make the reservation.
You initiate most of the communication.
You suggest the next date.
You move the relationship forward.
You start the commitment conversation.
You solve his problems.
You help with his résumé.
You research his attachment style.
You explain how he could communicate better.
You send him videos about relationships.
You tell him exactly what he needs to do to make the relationship work.
And then you become frustrated because:
He's not leading.
But here's the question I want you to consider:
What would happen if you stopped doing his part?
Not as a game.
Not to manipulate him.
Not to make him chase you.
But because you need to know who this man actually is without your assistance.
Stop Asking, “How Do I Get Him to Step Up?”
This is one of the biggest shifts I teach women.
Instead of asking:
How do I get him to step up?
Ask:
What is his behavior showing me and do they qualify and match my standards and if not, do I let them go?
Imagine you're hiring someone for an important position.
The candidate interviews beautifully.
He's charming.
Intelligent.
Qualified.
You see tremendous potential.
Then he starts showing up late.
His communication becomes inconsistent.
He doesn't complete what he promised.
And eventually he tells you he's not sure he even wants the position.
Would you spend the next six months coaching him into becoming the employee you originally hoped he'd be?
Probably not.
You'd recognize:
This candidate is giving me information.
Dating is no different.
A man who plans and follows through is giving you information.
A man who communicates consistently is giving you information.
A man who knows what he wants is giving you information.
A man who takes responsibility is giving you information.
A man who says he wants marriage is giving you information.
And a man who tells you he doesn't want marriage?
That's information too.
Don't negotiate against what someone reveals because your desire for marriage, family or partnership has overridden your standards.
You don't need to waste time trying to convince the wrong man to become the right man.
You need enough self-connection to recognize the difference. This is what I developed within myself and what I teach.
Your Success Isn't the Problem
I want successful women to understand this clearly.
You don't need to become less accomplished to have love.
You don't need to hide your intelligence.
You don't need to pretend you don't know how to do things.
You don't need to dim yourself so a man can feel bigger.
Your professional masculine energy may be one of your greatest assets.
It helps you execute.
Lead.
Create.
Achieve.
Build.
Make decisions.
Solve problems.
The goal isn't to eliminate that part of you.
It's learning when it serves you and when it doesn't.
You can lead a meeting at 4:00 and receive on a date at 7:00.
You can manage a company and allow someone else to make the dinner reservation. This is coming from a woman whose husband still asks her out on dates, plans them and gets excited when I accept his calendar invite.
You can be financially independent and still enjoy generosity. In fact, stop telling a man how much you earn. Let him presume based on your lifestyle.
You can have strong opinions and remain curious about someone else's.
You can be powerful without controlling everything around you.
That's flexibility.
Stop Proving Your Worth
Alpha women often enter dating with an unconscious desire to demonstrate value.
You're accomplished.
Interesting.
Successful.
Fit.
Well traveled.
Financially independent.
You have a beautiful home.
An impressive career.
A full life.
Wonderful.
But you don't have to present your résumé to be worthy of love.
A date isn't a job interview.
Instead of leading with what you've accomplished, allow someone to experience who you are.
What excites you?
What makes you laugh?
What are you curious about?
What are you creating?
What places would you love to see?
What experiences make you feel alive?
What are you grateful for?
What matters deeply to you?
Your achievements are part of your story.
They are not evidence that you're worthy of being loved.
You don't need to prove your value. You do need to learn how to effectively communicate so a man is intrigued and wants to know more.
Learn How to Receive
This is where many alpha women struggle.
A man asks:
“Do you need anything?”
And before you've even thought about it:
“Nope. I'm good. I've got it.”
I know this one personally. I overcame this.
When you're accustomed to handling everything yourself, receiving can actually feel unnatural.
So practice.
Someone offers help?
Receive it.
Someone gives you a compliment?
Say thank you.
A man offers to carry something?
Let him.
He wants to plan the date?
Let him.
He asks whether he can bring something?
Tell him what would delight you.
You don't have to manufacture helplessness.
You're simply allowing another person the opportunity to contribute.
One of my favorite reminders is:
Just because you could doesn't mean you should.
Receiving isn't weakness.
And it isn't surrendering your independence.
It's allowing generosity, kindness, effort and support to flow toward you, too. Get in the habit of “yes, please, Thank you.”
Let Him Show You How He Leads
If you say you want a man who takes initiative, you need to leave enough room to observe whether he does.
That doesn't mean becoming passive.
You can communicate what you enjoy.
You can express preferences.
You can suggest ideas.
You can initiate sometimes.
You can be enthusiastic.
You can express interest.
But notice whether you're consistently the engine of the relationship.
If you stopped pushing things forward, would there still be a relationship? Be honest and take a moment to really reflect on this question.
That's an important question.
Because sometimes an alpha woman thinks she has attracted another passive man when what actually happened is that she assumed leadership so quickly that she never stopped long enough to evaluate him.
Let him show you:
Does he make plans?
Does he follow through?
Does he solve his own problems?
Does he take responsibility?
Does he initiate?
Does he communicate clearly?
Does he make room for you in his life?
Does he have direction?
Does he know what he wants?
Does he have the capacity to build the kind of relationship you want?
Observe before you invest deeply.
Feminine Energy Is Not Passivity
This is where a lot of feminine-energy advice goes wrong.
Being feminine does not mean:
Never initiating.
Never speaking your mind.
Agreeing with everything a man says.
Waiting around for someone to choose you.
Accepting poor behavior.
Avoiding difficult conversations.
Pretending to be helpless.
Making yourself smaller.
Or allowing a man to dictate your life.
That's not feminine empowerment.
Receptivity without discernment isn't feminine empowerment.
You still have standards.
You still have boundaries.
You still have preferences.
You still communicate.
You still make decisions about your own life.
The difference is that you stop trying to control his decisions and you know how to communicate effectively from a neutral regulated stoic state. Less emotion, less words and more impact.
Know What You Actually Want
Some women are extremely clear about their professional goals and incredibly vague about their relationship goals.
They'll create a five-year business plan but date someone for three years hoping he'll eventually want the same life they do.
Get clear.
Do you want marriage?
Do you want children?
Own it.
Do you want a man who is financially responsible?
That's allowed.
Do you want someone ambitious?
Own it.
Do you want spiritual compatibility?
Make it part of your standards.
Do you want affection, generosity, emotional maturity, adventure, stability or traditional forms of chivalry?
Get honest.
The problem isn't wanting these things.
The problem is wanting them yet remaining with someone who has already demonstrated that he doesn't want or cannot provide them.
That's where desire becomes self-abandonment.
Don't Confuse Potential With Capacity
Alpha women are excellent at seeing potential.
It's one reason you're successful.
You can look at something and immediately imagine what it could become.
Wonderful in business.
Dangerous in relationships. You take on people projects. You think, “he’s a good guy, I can help him become even better. Let’s get to work.”
You meet a man and think:
He's so intelligent.
He's talented.
He's capable of so much.
If he would just heal this...
Get serious about his career...
Learn to communicate...
Work through his commitment issues...
Understand his attachment style...
Then he could be incredible.
Stop. Oooof girrrrl… If you see yourself in this, reach out to me and let’s get this handled once and for all.
You're dating the person in front of you.
Not the future version you've created in your mind.
Ask yourself:
Does this person currently have the capacity for the relationship I want?
Potential is possibility.
Capacity is what someone can consistently offer now.
Choose based on capacity. This will save you time and open the space for someone with capacity to enter.
Create Personal Agreements Before You Fall in Love
Standards are easiest to maintain before you're emotionally attached.
So decide how you will treat yourself before chemistry starts negotiating on your behalf. It’s easy to get swept up in the romance, add in a kiss you feel in your knees and your better judgement goes out the window.
Romance is great. However, remain grounded in your adult self.
Do not let the 16 year old giddy teenager version of yourself take over.
Create personal agreements such as:
I don't pursue people who are pulling away.
I don't convince someone to choose me.
I don't repeatedly explain the same need to someone who has demonstrated unwillingness to meet it.
I don't confuse chemistry with compatibility.
I don't date potential.
I don’t reward inconsistent behavior, lying, broken promises with further access to me.
I don't abandon my standards because I'm afraid I won't meet someone else.
I allow people to reveal who they are.
I trust myself to act on what I learn.
This is what self-love looks like in practice.
Stop Making a Relationship Your Next Achievement
This can be especially challenging for highly successful women.
You set a goal.
You create a plan.
You take action.
You make it happen.
That's exactly how you've accomplished many things in life.
Then you decide:
I want to get married.
And without realizing it, the relationship becomes another goal to accomplish.
You meet someone promising and start mentally moving toward the finish line.
Is he the one?
Where is this going?
When will we become exclusive?
When will he propose?
Now you're trying to manage an outcome involving another human being.
Relationships don't work like business goals.
You can be intentional about what you want and communicate it clearly from the start which I teach women how to do.
You can choose wisely.
You can maintain standards.
But you cannot control another person's readiness, feelings, timing or choices.
This is where feminine energy asks something very different from the alpha woman:
Can you allow life to reveal itself without trying to force the outcome? Can you communicate exactly what you want and your ideal timing to see if this person is on the same page and walk away if they are not?
Detachment Is Your Superpower
Detachment doesn't mean you don't care.
It means your wellbeing isn't dependent upon one particular person producing one particular outcome.
You can really like him.
You can hope the relationship develops.
You can be excited.
You can fall in love.
And still remain connected to yourself.
If he decides he doesn't want the relationship you want, you don't negotiate yourself down.
You receive the information.
You grieve if necessary.
You honor what you wanted.
And you keep moving.
Because your relationship with yourself remains intact.
Trust God. Trust Yourself.
This is where feminine energy becomes deeply spiritual for me.
You don't need to control everything in order to be safe.
You don't have to make this particular man become your husband.
You don't have to force timing.
You don't have to chase clarity from someone who is giving you confusion. Confusion is an immediate deal breaker. Confusion is chaos and love is not chaotic.
You can trust God.
You can trust yourself.
And you can release the outcome.
That doesn't mean sitting passively and hoping God sends you a husband.
It means doing your part:
Know yourself.
Know what you want.
Communicate honestly.
Maintain your standards.
Stay open.
Receive.
Observe.
Discern.
Choose.
And allow other people the dignity of making their own choices.
Your job isn't to control who chooses you.
Your job is to remain connected enough to yourself that you choose wisely.
An Alpha Woman Doesn't Need to Become Less Powerful
She becomes powerful in a different way. Quiet power; which alpha (and even better the Sigma) male find magnetic. Power with presence. Energy. Intuition. Emotional Self Regulation. A real baddie. A rare woman like this is seen as a great asset to an alpha or sigma man.
She knows when to lead.
She knows when to receive.
She knows when to speak.
She knows when to observe.
She knows when to give.
She knows when she's over-giving.
She knows when to stay open.
And she knows when to walk away.
She doesn't need to prove that she can do everything herself.
She doesn't need to audition for love.
She doesn't need to turn a man's potential into a personal development project.
And she doesn't need to convince someone to build a future with her.
She's connected to herself.
She trusts herself.
She knows what she wants.
She allows people to reveal who they are.
And she makes her choices accordingly.
That's the kind of feminine strength I teach. You ready?? Start by getting your Free LoveLife Assessment. This insightful tool will blow your mind.
Reconnection. Recovery. Reinvention.
This transformation is part of what I call my Three R Method™.
Reconnection means coming home to yourself—your truth, values, needs, desires, standards and God-given worth.
Recovery means releasing the behaviors that no longer serve you: overfunctioning, chasing, fixing, controlling, proving and abandoning yourself to maintain connection.
Reinvention means actually living differently.
Different choices.
Different standards.
Different behaviors.
Different relationships.
Because awareness isn't the finish line.
Insight must become new behavior.
Ready to Explore Your Feminine Energy?
If you're a successful woman who recognizes that you're constantly doing, leading, fixing or controlling in relationships, start here:
And if you want help identifying the deeper relationship patterns keeping you stuck, get your Free LoveLife Assessment and tell me what's happening in your situation. Or… skip that step if you are ready for a one on one session and Book With Me Here.
Want more articles?? Check this one o
Why You're in Your Masculine Energy and How to Get Into Your Feminine Energy
Then read:
5 Signs You're in Your Masculine Energy
Together, they'll help you identify where over-functioning may be showing up and begin shifting toward receptivity, discernment and self-trust.
Love and care for yourself first, most, best and always—regardless of who flows into or out of your life.
Lisa Concepcion is a Certified Professional Life Coach since 2016 who helps intelligent accomplished professionals who struggle with relationships. She lives in Texas Hill Country with her husband Mark and their dog Kevin.