Over 50 and Codependent How to Heal and Shift
Dear Lisa, Help! I am Over 50 and codependent. How can I heal and shift from codependency so that I can finally have a healthy relationship? I do great professionally. I own a successful business but relationships have always been a struggle in my life. I don’t get it. I do yoga and meditate, have been on a healing journey for many years yet tend to have anxious attachment, feel this need to be chosen and I cling to men. I settle for friends with benefits so I’m not alone and have pattern of settling for men who are emotionally immature and noncommittal and only want sex without strings. I am great in every other aspect of my life except for my romantic relationships. Am I just destined to be alone? Or, is there something else going on? How do I heal and shift from codependency? I keep going on the dating apps and it’s taking a toll on me.
JoAnne, 52, Long Island, NY
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Why is codependency such a common struggle for so many people? Here is my reply to JoAnne.
Hi JoAnne!
I love that you are on what seems like a healing journey back to yourself. You're very aware of what your "issues" are which is great. Self awareness is the first step to transformation. You're also curious about why you're attracting as you do which is great. Another great thing is that you don't have any awful self talk going on. I'm thinking the yoga and meditation helps with this.
Understanding why you settle for less in relationships.
Ok first... as you said you have anxious attachment and a needy "choose me" energy which is repelling to the very thing you want, commitment. Instead when you need to be loved, you run the risk of proving your worth by giving too much and this always attracts takers. You're so willing to settle and see a pattern.
How a lack of self love fuels codependency.
When we are lacking in self love we seek out approval and validation from others. It’s as if we are an empty tub looking to others to fill it. Relationships then become this source of emotional nourishment (the water in the tub). A lack of self love fuels codependency because we look outside ourselves and since we can’t control others we fall into an unfulfilling trap. We would rather settle for scraps, because codependents believe “better to be with someone than alone.”
When you love yourself, you now how to revel in solitude and are clear about how you are to be treated and won’t ever settle for poor treatment or someone who only wants a superficial casual relationship; a friends with benefits arrangement. Self loving people know they are worthy of having what they want so they don’t settle.
How to heal and shift codependency?
If you are attracting unavailable people, become totally available to yourself. Commit to reconnecting with the deep wounded version of you who received some bad programming about love. When you were younger; perhaps in childhood.
There's a wounded inner child who thinks she's not enough. This version of you is who is running the show when it comes to relationships. She picks people who affirm her belief that she's not enough. She clings to them and wants more, always wants more. Your opportunity is to reconnect with this version of yourself and reprogram her. This is the work I help people do.
Date with confidence never codependence.
Dating apps definitely require a strategy and a high level of confidence. It's all about energy. So if you're lonely, bored, needy, fearful of rejection, that vibe will come across.
Also... developing a dating strategy with solid healthy boundaries is absolutely necessary. I cannot stress how important that is. When you learn how to reconnect with the inner child and get to the root of her insecurity then you'll become protective of her and that is where the boundaries will come into play. It's about learning to be your own advocate.
Know what you want and how to “screen” people you connect with on dating apps.
An important part of a dating strategy is knowing what questions to ask and what to listen for and then moving on from someone who simply does not want what you want. The danger zone is wanting to be chosen. That energy makes you prey to narcissists and toxic sociopathic, psychopathic people.
Choose yourself!!! Every minute of every day!! Choose yourself when any man says they don't want a relationship. Simply say ah ok I understand, I do so good luck and move along.
There's a reason you struggle to choose yourself, struggle to set and stick to healthy boundaries and the reason is held by the wounded version of you. She's the one attracting unavailable men. When you make yourself 100% available to her and show up for her, the kind of men you’ll attract will change. The grown adult version of you knows exactly what you want and are worthy of.
Your inner child is running the show in relationships, is waiting to be validated and loved. Give the inner child the exact love, attention, care and love that you are seeking from a partner. When you do this, the partner flows on in.
Some key questions to ask when wanting to attract true love include…
What do you want out of life for yourself at this time? What qualities and values would be a fit for your ideal life? Most codependents are quick to lose themselves in other people. Are your beliefs on point?? Do you believe your guy exists?? If you do, you won't entertain anyone who isn't him.
You can definitely shift some beliefs that are keeping your ideal guy from coming on in. I help clients rid old habitual thinking and replace old beliefs with new ones. Mindset is everything when it comes to attracting a great partner and codependents have an externally focused mindset and world view.
The paradigm has to shift to one that is self loving, self focused; a “me first” type of focus. We have been programmed that this is selfish. It’s self loving. No one every could or should love you more than yourself.
When healing from codependency do not date anyone. Date yourself instead.
I suggest ending the current friends with benefits situation. It does nothing for you. It actually tells the universe that you are ok with settling. This is a pattern that you have the opportunity to break immediately. Send a message to the universe and choose YOURSELF!! Walk away from the friends with benefits thing and focus on healing the deeper wound. When you do, you'll stop proving worth to people who simply are unavailable.
If we were to work together I'd suggest not dating anyone for 45 days. We'd speak weekly with access in between and we'd get that anxious attachment feeling handled. That's a major thing to work on for sure. I totally can help (I too used to be anxiously attached). If you want to be chosen, choose yourself. Commit to healing the abandonment issue and desire to be chosen by a man. You are chosen every day, by God, the true Source of your worthiness.
Cure codependency by honoring yourself and choosing new behaviors that are the opposite of what you’d normally do.
When you go all in on choosing you and truly honor your body and mind and soul an refuse to give any of it away until it's with someone you can love and who will cherish and love you, that's when the universe sees you mean business, the energy shifts and that is the moment you surrender the need for a man and make feeling great your top priority. From that high vibe great feeling place, your man comes on in. The universe will conspire to bring him to you. First you have to commit fully to yourself. No friends with benefits. No hook ups. Just YOU connected to YOU living an awesome happy life.
Best to you Miss JoAnne,
Lisa
So what do you think? Dod any of this this resonate with you? If so feel free to reach out to me, lisa@lovequestcoaching.com or click the button to get your free Love Life Assessment. Tell me what’s going on and let’s see if we can get you some clarity and feeling better fast.
I look forward to hearing from you.