Why Women Struggle With Dating and Can’t Find the One, A Real Debate
This is a real conversation that took place on my personal Facebook wall. What followed was a mixed bag of primarily favorable girl power positivity. Most of the men who commented were positive as well but then… there was the one. Brian Howie, who actually hosts an international “Love Debate” which I took part in, back in February 2019, started to debate with me about my point of view on why women struggle with dating and can’t find the one.
Here’s what I posted on what women do wrong that leads them to have dating anxiety and repelling the serious relationship they want.
Beautiful single ladies,
Some of you have things backwards.
You're meeting men, deciding there's chemistry after 3 hours of knowing them, allowing too many drinks, are having sex with them way too soon then end up anxious about whether or not to text or call hoping they'll call or text you.
Then if he does, it's giddy, school-girl energy that gives off a vibe that says...
Pick me, love me, I'm good enough, please make me yours so I don't have to stay on the carousel of date, dick, dumped.
And this vibe repels men.
If you want a real deal relationship, own this fact and learn how to tell a man where YOU'RE at in YOUR life and what YOU want right up front, before any sex is had.
If you know you want a one-on-one committed relationship and value your body, soul, mind, and time and are self loving, well then confidently and gracefully communicate what you're ready for.
NO negotiating or proving or convincing.
It's very simple.
You tell him where you're at in your life. If he's at the same level, cool; if not, he's not your guy.
He's friendzoned.
NOT friends with benefits.
Only friends.
If you're serious, then you're not settling.
Either he's 100% all in or, you're all out.
I've played that settling, proving worth, try to convince and control game.
It wasted precious time and compromised my self worth.
Then I started to date with power and purpose and declared to God and the universe both verbally and with my actions that I understood that I am worthy because God says so, not because some guy decides to choose me.
Want to be chosen by a man?? Choose yourself every minute of every day.
When some ass-hat tells you you're "no fun" because you turned down another cocktail and asked for water with lemon instead, CHOOSE YOURSELF.
When some loser you only know a month blows up your phone at 2 am, wanting to come over, CHOOSE YOURSELF.
When some fool says, "oh I don't want to put a label on it, let's just have fun and keep it casual," CHOOSE YOU.
And when a kind, fun, deliciously hot guy says, he's not ready for a serious relationship, as hard as it might be, STEP AWAYYY from the hotness, and ...say it with me ladies...
CHOOSE YOURSELF!
And I promise you, when you choose yourself you'll become an energetic match to that beautiful, kind, adoring, honest, loyal, respectful man who exists in your mind.
Then out of nowhere, you'll meet him, and it will be easy and chill. You'll just know. Then you choose each other.
Hope this little micro-blog reminds you who the f*ck you are.
xo,
Lisa Concepcion, Certified Professional Love Life Coach, Dating & Relationship Expert and Founder of LoveQuestCoaching.com.
Here is how the discussion on women having sex too soon, no knowing how to properly vet men, energy and self worth with Brian went…
Brian: This is using sex as a reward or a referendum on things. That's never wise.
Me: No it's not. And that's the exact bullshi*t men serve up thinking a woman will cave. It's about self-love and self-worth and actions matching words.
I once had a very high value man flat out tell me, “Lis if you want to be in a serious relationship then you need to behave as a woman who wants a serious relationship, no hooking up too soon, no party girl pics on social media, no younger boy toys who aren't ready for crap. Get focused, get intentional, remind yourself how smart, sexy, and kind you are and behave like the f*cking catch you are, then you'll attract a dude who won't rush sex."
A man told me this in 2013.
It wasn't until 2016, and my own total transformation that I stepped into this more feminine, graceful, confident, divinely worthy version of myself who values my body, mind and soul too much to just give it away to anyone who winks my way and buys me a steak.
Sex will be had if and when I decide. Period.
And my guy will admire, respect and appreciate that about me... and he did.
Also... I can't stand the double standard. It's also not ok for men to screw every woman they spend more than 6 hours with.
Personally I prefer the men who say they took 6 months to a year to focus on themselves, and their business after a break up or divorce than the walking horn dog who is on the swipe n fuck path.
So that whole manipulative bullshit men try and pull trying to make a woman wrong for choosing to preserve her body until she determines there's a mutual interest in commitment, only works on weak ass women or ones who don't really want a serious relationship.
Brian: Of course it should be had if and when you decide. But if and when you decide has absolutely zero to do with him, or your status with him. Because not only is it irrelevant, the sex will change things, for you and/or for him, sometimes better sometimes worse.
So whatever vibrational plane you believed you were on, or shared, has zero relevance until sex happens, whether you wait 5 minutes or wait 5 months. Your logic gives him the power by making it about him. He is irrelevant in the equation.
"Making him wait" makes it about him. A guy will wait an awfully long time, it has zero meaning on if he likes or respects you, it simply means he was willing to wait for sex.
If you polled 1000 happy couples (and i have) , and you asked them when they first had sex, the overwhelming #1 answer is the first night, and the #2 answer is the second night. It doesn't mean having sex will make it work, but it does mean that if you stop playing these games it just might...
Me: It's not game playing. It's allowing enough time to determine if the person wants what you want. I knew 3 hours after meeting my boyfriend that he wanted what I wanted and I was prepared to friend-zone him if he didn't.
We were exclusive before sex was had and it wasn't very long at all.
Why?
Because I wasn't making it about him. It was about me and where I was in life.
Zero attachment to any outcome.
You want me? Cool... Here's how I roll.
If anything, my approach took all games and bullshit out of the equation.
Imagine how much money women can save men if they just say flat out. “I want a relationship and I'm not sleeping with anyone unless I feel they're someone I can love and who can love me. You're free to stay or go. Either way, I'm enjoying this wonderful meal.”
That's some sexy strong confidence right there that inspires the right man to be a man. To show that woman what HE'S about, that HE is self loving and emotionally aware, mature and not run by his dick.
When a woman clearly states what she wants then leans back the man either walks away or levels up.
When the sex is had depends on how fast the woman gets the necessary information to make a solid decision that won't result in her being a clingy fool after the sex is had because you're 100% right, the sex matters and it changes everything, as it should.
Brian: Again, the sex will change things. So what you say/do/think/act beforehand has almost zero relevance after, it's almost an entirely new slate and set of data. Thinking that way beforehand is absolutely game playing, you are making decisions based on what you perceive and project. It's pure wish-making and guess work. That's really dangerous.
"I’m not sleeping with someone who I feel I can love who will love me,” is nothing more than dart throwing. Because you have absolutely no idea if they can or cant until you've had sex. So you are just hoping and speculating until then.
And...ask the ladies this. How many of them waited until they felt that special connection, and then the sex sucked and that connection wasn’t so special? ALL OF THEM.
Then another woman named Destiny chimed in with…
I think those couples met their matches, and were on the same vibrational plane, as Lisa Concepcion said, that’s why they are married. It makes perfect sense. It doesn’t happen for everyone the same way, in the same scenario. So couples that had sex fast can’t advise me to do the same because that may not be my love story. When you are dating and trying to find your match you weed out the ones not right for you by not giving it up so fast. So yes the sex is a reward, a reward for the one that was meant to have it in the first place! And a reward for the woman to finally get to physically connect with a man that values her.
Him: She has no idea if he values her. The bigger the player, the more he can fake it. Dangerous game to think any other way.
Destiny: That’s why in that process you vet the man to see where his head is at. You can’t just wait without doing the work. I never want to give a player that much credit, over time their game will crumble if your eyes are open.
Him: And women's ability to get the vetting process right is about as accurate as picking lottery numbers.
Destiny: Maybe, it’s just something we have to work on, myself included.
Me: Players don't even come at me. I'm not an energetic match to players. Players are just fearful boys at the core. I end up making them my clients. (If they're truly ready to address whatever motivates them to be players.)
Him: If you wanna have sex, have sex. If you wanna wait, wait. If you don't wanna do it, don’t. Making it anything beyond that line of thinking is what gets women into trouble.
Me: It's on her to get her energy to a level where she doesn't even attract liars and players. That's the whole point. Spreading legs to every single man who a woman dates dulls her energy. This is more about energy how sex impacts a woman’s energy. It's a different conversation than the basic dating games bullshit.
It's a conversation about becoming an energetic match to a serious relationship if that's what a woman truly wants.
And... your point is valid. Yes, if a woman decides after a month of seeing a man that she has enough information to feel ok having sex knowing full well the sex can be terrible, then she'll take that chance and will make her decision to continue or end it.
Rare that that happens though and more bullshit men who are overly wrapped up in sex blab to persuade women into having sex too soon.
Confident women who value themselves aren't just having sex with different people.
Think about it... a single woman goes on 4 dates a month so having sex with 48 different men in a year is the path to a solid committed relationship??
Nope...
That's the behavior of a desperate woman trying to please men by having sex with them convincing herself that it doesn't mean anything.
It's destructive to her feminine energy. Drains her and then she's not an energetic match to men who want more than sex.
Again... energy.
You're very pro have sex whenever. Your comments clearly state that.
Him: I’m very pro 'do what you want to do when you want to do it." Absolutely. Never make it about the other person.
Brian: no woman has sex with every man she dates, so your math is wrong.
Me: Not if she knows what she's doing which is exactly what I teach women how to do, vet!! Date with Power and Purpose! Know what questions to ask and what to say and how to vet.
Problem is, most women don't want to invest the time and effort to learn.
It's only when they get so fed up or badly hurt that they say ok... I need to learn how to exist in a way that repels all bullshit.
Brian: I guarantee you that you couldn't vet. Lots of women claim that power. And the ability to teach that power, and we have exposed all of them as being no more accurate than anyone else.
Me: I learned how to vet and I vetted. And based on the information I got I knew he,
Was on board for a one-on-one committed relationship as in, we would only see one another and THEN sex would happen if and when we felt it was right.
He wasn't at all a player and
He was childfree, lived up the street, wasn't married, didn't have pet allergies and had a career he was working towards taking to the next level.
Two days after meeting him, I met his dad who was visiting Miami. Still no sex. Wasn't the right time. I knew I was attracted. I knew he was too. It would happen when the time was right.
What kind of coach would I be if I can't vet a guy? A huge part of my coaching practice is teaching women how to vet men so they aren't all wadded up two days after having too soon sex anxiously replaying their actions when that guy is non responsive to texts and calls and eventually says they don't want something serious.
So, now I leave it to you. If you found this blog and if it resonated, drop me a note.
There’s an energy exchange that happens when people have sex. This is the part of the discussion that was way over Brian’s head.
Are you fed up with attracting immature men who are run by their dicks trying to empower women to have sex for fun without any strings?
Are you on the carousel of date, dick, dump, repeat? Girrrrl, it’s time to hop off. It’s dimming your sparkle and making you dingy and bitter.
Are you fed up and on the brink of giving up or gave up?
Then let’s have a conversation and let’s get you the love you deserve.