5 Signs You're In Your Masculine Energy
If you’re a successful, capable woman who seems to have life handled but struggles to relax, receive, trust or allow a man to show up for you, you may be spending much of your life in what I call masculine energy.
That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with being ambitious, independent, assertive or successful.
Samantha “Sammy” has a great career yet at 30, wonders why she hasn’t met “The One.”
Masculine energy isn't bad. You need it.
Masculine energy helps you take action, create structure, make decisions, solve problems, protect yourself and get things done.
The problem is becoming stuck in doing mode—especially when that same energy follows you into dating and relationships.
Many of the women I coach are incredibly successful professionally. They're intelligent, responsible and accustomed to figuring things out.
Then they get into relationships and find themselves doing the same thing:
Initiating.
Planning.
Fixing.
Giving.
Explaining.
Pursuing.
Managing.
Trying to make the relationship work.
And eventually they're exhausted.
Feminine energy offers another way of relating.
It's the ability to receive, trust, feel, allow, observe and discern without surrendering your intelligence, standards or personal power.
“A powerful, intelligent, classy independent, yet feminine woman attracts Alpha Males like a moth to a flame. Most women today lead with their masculine energy which attracts weak men.”
Julia went on a date which triggered memories of her overbearing father. She left the date came home and collapsed into a bath crying about her father’s lack of attention.
Here are five signs you may be stuck in your masculine energy—and what you can begin doing differently.
1. You're Always in Doing Mode
Your calendar is full.
Your mind is racing.
You're thinking three steps ahead.
There's always something that needs to be accomplished, organized, solved or handled.
You're great at getting things done.
The problem is that you may have forgotten how to simply be.
Masculine energy tends to be directional and action-oriented. Feminine energy makes room for presence, pleasure, creativity, intuition and receiving.
If you're constantly moving from one task to another, your nervous system may have become accustomed to believing:
Doing = safety.
And slowing down can actually feel uncomfortable.
So don't simply tell yourself to "relax."
Practice transitioning deliberately out of execution mode.
Take a walk without accomplishing anything.
Sit outside with your coffee.
Put music on while you cook.
Swim.
Dance.
Garden.
Paint.
Take photographs.
Learn to knit.
Restore an old piece of furniture.
Read about something that fascinates you.
Spend time doing something because you enjoy the experience, not because it produces an outcome.
Helpful shift: Ask yourself, Who am I when I'm not accomplishing something?
This Free LoveLife Assessment is an incredible tool which lays out exactly what is holding you back from having the relationship you truly want.
Keep reading, there’s much more….
Jen, a former control freak learned to let go and be secure in her feminine energy. When she did she attracted that romantic guy she always wanted.
2. You Struggle to Receive
Someone offers to help and your immediate response is:
No, I've got it.
A man offers to carry something.
You've got it.
Someone gives you a compliment.
You deflect it.
A friend offers support.
You don't want to inconvenience her.
A man wants to plan the date.
You jump in with six restaurant suggestions and make the reservation yourself because it's faster.
You may call this independence.
Sometimes it's actually discomfort with receiving.
There's a big difference.
Being capable of doing something doesn't mean you always have to be the person doing it.
I tell women:
Just because you could doesn't mean you should.
Start practicing receiving in ordinary situations.
Let someone hold the door.
Let someone help with your groceries.
Receive the compliment.
Let your date plan something.
Say:
"Thank you."
And resist the impulse to immediately reciprocate, take over or prove that you didn't need the help.
Receiving isn't weakness.
And feminine energy isn't helplessness.
Receiving is allowing another person the opportunity to give.
Ready to book your one on one session? Click here! Or… keep reading.
“A high quality man wants to take the lead and a feminine woman lets him and reaps all the benefit of letting a man be a man. Chivalry isn’t dead to a feminine woman and a masculine man. ”
3. You Lead With Your Accomplishments Instead of Your Presence
This happens frequently with successful women because professional environments reward competence.
You've spent years establishing credibility.
What do you do?
Where did you go to school?
What have you accomplished?
What do you own?
What are you building?
There's nothing wrong with being proud of your achievements.
But a date isn't a job interview.
You don't have to prove your value through your résumé.
Let someone experience you.
Talk about why you love the work you do.
Talk about what lights you up.
What makes you laugh?
What are you learning?
Where would you love to travel?
What kind of life are you creating?
What are you grateful for?
Bree is always so wiped out after work that she doesn’t get to personal time until 10pm which usually involves alcohol to calm her down.
What are you passionate about outside of work?
Your accomplishments are part of you.
They aren't the source of your worth.
Helpful shift: Stop trying to demonstrate your value and become present enough to allow someone to discover it.
4. You Take Over Relationships Instead of Observing What a Man Does
This is a big one.
You're initiating contact.
You're planning dates.
You're moving the relationship forward.
You're having all the relationship conversations.
You're researching his attachment style.
You're explaining what you need repeatedly.
You're trying to help him communicate.
You're trying to understand why he's pulling away.
You're giving him another chance.
And another.
And another.
Eventually you're doing so much work maintaining the relationship that you don't actually know what would happen if you stopped.
This is where feminine energy and discernment work together.
Pulling back isn't a manipulation tactic designed to make a man chase you.
Pulling back allows you to gather information.
Imagine you're interviewing someone for an important position in your company.
The candidate seems promising, but then he starts showing up late.
His communication becomes inconsistent.
He tells you he's not sure whether he wants the job.
Would you start convincing him that the position is wonderful?
Would you rewrite the job requirements?
Would you coach him into becoming the candidate you need?
Probably not.
You would recognize:
This person is giving me information.
Dating works the same way.
If a man initiates, that's information.
If he follows through, that's information.
If he's generous, that's information.
If he's emotionally available, that's information.
If he's clear about wanting a relationship, that's information.
And if he pulls away?
That's information.
If he's inconsistent?
Information.
If he's uncertain about you?
Information.
If he tells you he doesn't want marriage when marriage is important to you?
Information.
Don't negotiate against what someone reveals because your desperate desire for marriage, family or partnership has overridden your standards.
Observe what he's showing you.
Then decide whether what he's offering aligns with the relationship you actually want.
That's self-connection.
That's discernment.
And that's self-leadership.
5. You Feel Exhausted Because You're Giving, Fixing and Carrying Everyone
This may be the clearest sign of all.
You're exhausted.
People rely on you because they know you'll handle things.
At work, you're the problem solver.
In your family, you're the organizer.
With friends, you're the person everyone calls.
In relationships, you're the giver, fixer, planner, encourager and emotional support system.
You may even believe all of this giving makes you nurturing.
Sometimes it does.
Sometimes it's overfunctioning.
There is a difference between supporting someone and taking responsibility for them.
Nurturing can mean listening.
Encouraging.
Believing in someone.
Offering support.
Helping someone discover their own solution.
It doesn't require doing another capable adult's emotional or practical work for them.
Before jumping in, ask yourself:
Did they ask me to solve this?
Is this actually mine to handle?
Am I helping—or am I managing?
Am I giving because I genuinely want to give, or because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't?
That last question is especially important.
Sometimes women overgive because they unconsciously believe:
If I'm useful enough, he'll value me.
If I give enough, he'll stay.
If I make his life easier, he'll choose me.
That's not feminine nurturing.
That's fear trying to secure love through usefulness.
And eventually, you'll resent the very people you've trained to receive from you without reciprocating.
Helpful shift: Stop automatically doing for other people what they are capable of doing for themselves.
Why Are You Stuck in Masculine Energy?
Sometimes the answer is simply lifestyle.
You're busy.
You're responsible.
You have a demanding career.
You're raising children.
You've had to become incredibly capable.
But sometimes there's something deeper underneath the constant doing.
Maybe you learned early that other people weren't dependable.
Maybe your needs weren't consistently met.
Maybe you've experienced betrayal or abandonment.
Maybe vulnerability hasn't felt safe.
Maybe you've spent years believing that if you don't control the situation, everything will fall apart.
So you became the person who handles everything.
That may have helped you tremendously.
Honor the woman who learned how to survive, provide and get things done.
But then ask:
Do I still need to live this way all the time?
Something that once protected you can eventually prevent you from experiencing the kind of relationship and life you now want.
Feminine Energy Doesn't Mean Giving Away Your Power
This distinction is incredibly important.
Being in your feminine energy doesn't mean:
Ignoring red flags.
Lowering your standards.
Waiting endlessly for a man.
Accepting inconsistency.
Becoming financially dependent.
Pretending not to be intelligent.
Avoiding difficult conversations.
Making yourself smaller.
Or handing someone else control of your life.
Feminine energy without discernment isn't empowerment.
You can receive and still say no.
You can be warm and still have standards.
You can allow a man to lead and still decide whether you want to follow where he's going.
You can surrender the need to control another person without surrendering responsibility for yourself.
That's the difference.
Stop Trying to Control the Outcome
One of the biggest shifts I help women make is moving from:
How do I get him to...?
to:
What is this situation showing me?
How do I get him to communicate?
How do I get him to commit?
How do I get him to pursue me?
How do I get him to open up?
How do I get him to realize what he's losing?
You're asking the wrong question.
You don't control another person's choices.
You control yours.
Your responsibility is to remain connected enough to yourself to recognize:
What do I want?
What do I need?
What are my standards?
What is actually happening here?
Does this relationship align with what I say I want?
What action honors me now?
That's where feminine energy meets self-advocacy.
Create Personal Agreements With Yourself
One of the most powerful things you can do is decide how you will behave before emotion takes over.
I call these personal agreements.
For example:
I don't chase people who are pulling away.
I don't convince someone to choose me.
I don't repeatedly explain the same need to someone who has demonstrated unwillingness to meet it.
I don't abandon myself to keep someone else.
I don't confuse someone's potential with their current capacity.
I believe consistent behavior.
I trust myself to act on the information I receive.
That's how self-love becomes something more than an affirmation.
It becomes behavior.
Trust God. Trust Yourself. Detach From the Outcome.
For me, and my clients who I have been coaching since 2016, the deepest feminine-energy shift involves faith.
Not passive faith.
Not sitting around hoping everything magically works out exactly the way you want.
Faith means recognizing that you don't have to control another person's choices in order to be okay.
You can trust God.
You can trust yourself.
And you can release your attachment to a specific outcome.
If someone flows out of your life, you remain with yourself.
If a relationship ends, you remain with yourself.
If someone doesn't choose you, you still choose yourself.
Your responsibility isn't to guarantee that nothing painful ever happens.
Your responsibility is to know that whatever happens, you will remain connected to yourself and respond in a way that honors you.
That's security.
That's self-trust.
And that's freedom.
Reconnection Should Lead to Self-Leadership
I don't believe in endlessly analyzing every childhood wound, former relationship or emotional trigger.
Awareness matters.
Understanding yourself matters.
But eventually insight needs to become action.
This is why Reconnection is the first part of my Three R Method™:
Reconnection. Recovery. Reinvention.
Reconnection helps you recognize the patterns, beliefs, fears, needs and behaviors operating beneath the surface.
Recovery helps you release what no longer serves you and begin responding differently.
Reinvention is where you create your relationships and your life from the woman you've become—not the wounded version of you who learned she had to control everything to feel safe.
The point isn't to spend your life analyzing your past.
The point is to grow through it.
Want to Go Deeper?
If you recognized yourself in these five signs, here’s what to do next…
Get your Free LoveLife Assessment and tell me what's happening in your situation and get specific insights and possible solutions. Or… skip that step and book your one on one session.
You can also check out this article next…
Why You're in Your Masculine Energy and How to Get Into Your Feminine Energy
There I walk you through eight reasons women become stuck in masculine energy and seven practical ways to begin shifting into receptivity, self-trust, discernment and feminine energy.
And remember:
Love and care for yourself first, most, best and always—regardless of who flows into or out of your life.
~Lisa
Lisa Concepcion is a Certified Professional Life Coach , since 2016, who helps intelligent, accomplished people make the necessary shifts so they can attract the relationship they truly want.