Does She Really Want You To Share Feelings and Be Vulnerable?

So a guy wrote to me telling me that he told his wife about something that happened to him as a child that was very traumatic. He didn’t tell her while they were dating. He said his wife always said there was a gap in their connection, as if there was something about himself he didn’t want her to know. Her intuition was accurate.

When he revealed his trauma to her and how it made him a bit aloof at times and in his own head, detached from her, she responded with shock and judgement and even anger at the person responsible for the trauma saying she can no longer be in the same room with them.

She made it about her! Then accused him for being weak for not cutting this family member off, which was exactly what he was wrestling with especially now that he and his wife are starting a family.

He wrote to me asking a very common question… do women actually want you to share feelings and be vulnerable? Do women want to know the deep dark and dirty about your life? Do they want to know when your whole world is hanging by a thread?

The answer is complex.

First, the more healed a woman is, the more capable she is to hold space for her man and be a secure, self regulated listener. If you chose a woman who works on herself, healed her own childhood trauma isn’t depressed, reactionary, and is grounded, then you’ll be able to come to her with pretty much anything and she’ll receive it, process it and respond maturely.

This is rare!!!

Most women freak out and go into fixer mode. They get emotional. They also may feel the following ways.

1. Many Women Want Emotional Access, Not Emotional Responsibility

When women say they want a man to “open up,” what they often mean (without realizing it) is:

“I want to feel emotionally connected to you.”

What they don’t realize they’re unprepared for is:

• Holding raw, unresolved trauma that you, their man, shares with them.

• She may feel as if she had to regulating his emotions while still managing her own. This leads to emotional overwhelm and an inability to just sit there quietly offering compassion.

• Feeling responsible for easing his pain. Look dude, she adores you. She just doesn’t have the self regulation and emotional maturity to listen without getting into fight of flight mode.

When a man shares deep trauma and the woman hasn’t developed emotional containment skills, she may feel:

• Overwhelmed

• Anxious

• Burdened

And as we know when a woman feel overwhelmed and anxious, she get turned off. Just know you aren’t weak. You should be able to share anything with her. The problem is she can’t handle the truth.

2. Vulnerability Without Grounding Can Feel Like a Loss of Safety

Attraction requires emotional safety. When she sees you in control and leading with confidence she feels safe. The key here is to to open up from a position of strength and confidence which is what I teach men to do. Imagine having a “Wingwoman” who you can be real with, someone professional that you can just unload all your stuff with.

Then this professional, like me for example, helps you work through it.

Then you are able to present what you are going through from a self regulated, more confident place. You are able to report what is going on in a stoic, masculine manner that doesn’t make her doubt you.

If a man opens up in a way that feels:

• Dysregulated

• Collapsing

• Uncontained

A woman may unconsciously think:

“If he’s falling apart… who’s holding us?”

This isn’t a moral failure—it’s biology and nervous system wiring.

Healthy vulnerability still includes:

• Self-responsibility

• Emotional regulation

• A sense of “I’m sharing, not unloading”

Without that, vulnerability can be misinterpreted as instability, which dampens desire.

For example… Mike was up for a massive promotion at his job. The extra money and title would be a game changer in that they would be able to move into a larger living space and start a family. Mike got promoted but the money was half of what was expected. He felt like he was bait and switched. More title and responsibility with not that much money.

So he contacted me when he was in the emotional swirl and wanted help in presenting this news in a way that wouldn’t freak his wife out.

We spent about an hour talking through what was said, what happened, how he felt, all the things. Then I asked him… what’s your plan from here?

He said he will take the promotion and the smaller increase but, will reach out to an executive recruiter to start looking for a new job and give himself the raise he knows he deserves.

This last piece is what his wife wants to hear so she is put at ease and can respect and admire him for taking the lead, having self worth, and being a man with a plan.

You always want to be a man with a plan.

Mike came home and told his wife succinctly that he got promoted, not enough money, and he’s going to accept it but get a new job so they can proceed with their plans. He assured her she has nothing to worry about. He’s on it.

4 months later…

He gets hired at another company earning 50k more.

3. Many Women Confuse Vulnerability With Loss of Masculine Polarity

Masculinity is not emotional suppression. It is sharing truth with a grounded presence.

Many people think being stoic is about burying emotions. It’s not. Stoicism is the height of emotional awareness. A stoic person is able to take pause, remain centered, balanced in logic and examine what is actually happening rather than just react.

When vulnerability comes across as:

• Helplessness

• Seeking reassurance instead of sharing truth

• Wanting her to fix, soothe, or parent

Polarity collapses. She gets the ick.

The woman may feel:

• Pulled into a caretaking role

• Less feminine

• More maternal

And attraction struggles when a woman feels like a therapist or mother instead of a lover.

Vulnerability that maintains polarity sounds like:

“This impacted me deeply, and I’ve been working through it.”

Not:

“I don’t know what to do with this. Please carry it for me.”

In the case of the guy who wrote me with the childhood trauma, this would be the framework to use. For context I’ll add that prior to being a Certified Life Coach I worked in Public Relations and would deal with crisis communications all the time.

Framework to reveal trauma.

• Announce that you have something really important to share about something traumatic that happened when you were a kid.

• Explain how this trauma impacts you as an adult.

• Share your concerns.

• Then share what you plan to do to heal from this trauma.

• Share what you need from her during this process.

Example:

Melinda, I want to talk to you abut something very important. It has to do with something that happened to me as a kid that I never really fully healed from and it’s impacting the way I show up in life. I want to be the best I can be for you and someday our family. I just want you to listen to what I have to share and know that I have a plan. Can I count on you just to listen? (Make sure she says yes.)

Ok so when I was 11 my uncle abused me sexually. I was restrained and I blocked it out of my mind for many years. I coped with it in highschool through sports and then as an adult by being competitive and driven professionally and well… this is the root cause of why I work so much. I want to heal this because I love you and want to be a great husband and father. I decided to work with a trauma therapist and then join a men’s group which meets once per week. My goal is to dedicate the next 6 months to healing this, and then see where I’m at.

I want us to enjoy our time together, have date nights and have fun with our friends just the same. I might have things to share with you and other times I might be sorting it out in my own head. Can I count on you to trust me to come to you just as I am now? (Make sure she says yes.)

When you work with me you get the script to communicate effectively with leadership and confidence. You learn how to be vulnerable while maintaining your masculine frame. This definitely does not give the ick. Instead it inspires her to say, “I love you and I am so so sorry you went through that. You didn’t deserve it and I am so proud of you for having the self awareness and motivation to heal. You are a badass and I want to hug you. I’m here for you as you need me to be.” This is what men want to hear.

4. Unhealed Trauma in Women Can Trigger Judgment or Shutdown When Men Open Up

Many women were not taught how to deal with male pain. Many didn’t have a strong masculine father figure. Perhaps there was addiction, abusive language and instability in the home growing up. Women with wounds from the past may shut down not because they don’t care about you but because they need you to be the strong man they never had as a kid.

If she has:

• Her own unresolved trauma

• A history of unsafe men

• Fear of emotional chaos

Your vulnerability may trigger:

• Shock

• Judgment

• Withdrawal

Her nervous system goes into self-protection.

This is why some women say they want openness, but reject it when you share something that’s weighing on you.

They want connection, but haven’t healed enough to tolerate emotional depth without totally freaking out or retreating (going quiet).

This is why I encourage people to work on themselves to attract people who also work on themselves.

If you have read this far it means you are ready for solutions.

Start here with your Free LoveLife Assessment, an excellent tool that will get you more clarity.

You can also click here and schedule a one on one session with me.

~Lisa Concepcion, Certified Professional Life Coach and Founder of LoveQuest Coaching.com