How to Go From Anxious Attachment to Secure
If you’re anxiously attached, codependent, and keep attracting emotionally unavailable or narcissistic partners, and want to know how to go from an Anxious Attachment Style to Secure, this article is for you.
Let me begin by saying this clearly: I’ve been where you are. AnxiousAF! Needing reassurance, reactive, uneasy, fearful, insecure.
In 2015, I was 44 years old and completely devastated after my divorce.
I couldn’t stand being alone. I only felt grounded and emotionally regulated when I was tethered to someone else in a relationship. When I wasn’t partnered, my nervous system felt unsafe.
What I wanted was clarity, stability, and a confident masculine man who could lead.
What I did instead was beg, bargain, fix, manage, control, manipulate, explain, and over-function, hoping a man would become who I needed him to be.
Rather than accepting men for who they were and walking away when they weren’t a fit, I tried to change them. I saw their potential and clung to that. I wanted them to be better.
That behavior turned into:
Controlling or manipulative dynamics
Bullying or stonewalling
Over-explaining and trying to be “understood”
Needing validation to feel worthy (seeking attention)
My internal dialogue was brutal:
Why can’t he get his life together for me?
Am I not motivation enough for a man to become successful?
After 17 years of marriage, including 4.5 years separated in marital limbo, we divorced. I was shattered.
My self-worth was at an all-time low, and because I was deeply codependent, I became perfect prey for narcissists and emotionally unstable men.
Anxious Attachment, Codependency, and Narcissistic Relationships
After my divorce, I rebounded straight into a relationship with a covert narcissist.
The first 30 days were intense. We were together constantly. I was love-bombed, idealized, and placed on a pedestal. I was told our future would be incredible. I believed every word.
What I didn’t know was that he was still emotionally attached to his ex. All he did was badmouth her. Little did I know that energy and attention placed on an ex (regardless of good or bad) means the emotions are still there.
After 5 months and a planned trip to New York to meet my family, he discarded me and went back to her.
Everything I believed was a lie. I felt like a fool.
I didn’t just lose the relationship. I lost trust in myself. Then I felt really unsafe.
How could I be so wrong? How did I not see this?
That betrayal triggered severe anxiety. I woke up in the middle of the night crying in panic. I couldn’t eat. My stomach locked up. I developed aversions to 95% of the foods I normally ate. I dropped from 124 pounds to 112.
That’s when I knew I needed help.
The Moment I Discovered Codependency
I called a therapist and did a session.
That’s when I first heard the word codependency.
I latched onto that word and immersed myself in learning everything I could about it. I read books, watched videos, and studied how codependency shows up alongside anxious attachment, clinginess, insecurity, people-pleasing, fear of abandonment.
Once I had a clear definition, I could finally see these patterns in myself.
And then I asked the most important question:
Why am I codependent?
This is the same question I help my clients answer.
How Childhood Creates Anxious Attachment and Codependency
I was raised by young, emotionally immature parents who divorced when I was three.
Love was conditional.
Being “good” meant:
Being quiet
Asking for nothing
Going along with adult chaos
Not having needs
I learned to self-abandon early.
My parents were overprotective yet emotionally unavailable. I felt alone in a loud room full of people who claimed they loved me.
I became hyper-vigilant, constantly reading adults, their moods, and inconsistencies. By the time I was ten, I believed the adults around me were clueless.
I longed for freedom. I couldn’t wait to grow up.
The person who gave me genuine presence was my grandfather. He was steady, warm, confident, interested in me and emotionally available. He became my model for masculine energy.
The absence of consistent, deeper attuned connection, especially with my father, laid the groundwork for anxious attachment and codependency.
If you’re a daughter who yearned for more one-on-one time with her father, this is a specific pattern I help resolve in coaching.
👉 You can book a session at a special rate here.
Inner Child Work: The Path From Anxious to Secure
I decided not to date anyone until I healed.
I began deep inner child work, also known as Inner Child Reconnection and Reparenting.
Within 90 days, I felt calmer, more confident, and grounded in myself. I decided to go another 90 days, no dating, no men, nothing. Just my close group of friends and family.
I connected with myself.
For the first time, I felt safe inside.
I got crystal clear about what I wanted and without shame:
A loving marriage
A beautiful home
Peace, stability, and joy
Manifesting this ideal life required that I become an energetic match for what I desired.
That meant changing:
My mindset
My beliefs about men
My relationship with money
My relationship with myself
This is when I truly learned self-love. If I can do it, you can do it. Since 2016, I’ve been teaching people how to develop self love by healing the wounded inner child and go from anxious attachment to secure.
Today, I’m happily married to a secure man. I met him when I was 50! Never give up on love. Become who you must to match up with your ideal person. This is what I can help you to do.
Why You Can’t Become Secure Without Healing Codependency
You cannot think your way from anxious to secure. It needs to become deeply integrated into who you are and the choices you make for yourself every day.
You can study attachment theory endlessly. You can join Facebook groups (I even have one, From Anxious to Secure Self Love Club, which you can join here).
But knowledge without nervous system regulation keeps you stuck.
Healing requires:
Rewiring the subconscious mind
Reprogramming the nervous system
Challenging false beliefs
Developing self-trust
Secure people trust themselves.
Anxious codependents don’t.
Self-trust is the cure for codependency and anxious attachment.
Are you ready to heal and change your life?
Let’s connect! I know I can help you. Just go all in on yourself.
The 3-Step Path to Secure Attachment
Step 1: Reconnection
You reconnect with your younger, wounded selves and finally listen to what they needed but didn’t receive.
Step 2: Reparenting
You give those parts of you:
Love
Care
Attention
Compassion
Protection
Guidance
Boundaries
Discipline and encouragement
Step 3: Reinvention
You become secure.
You self-regulate.
You value peace.
You stop fixing wounded people.
You become selective.
You finally know how to assert boundaries in a manner that shows you are serious.
Secure people attract secure people.
Toxic individuals feel your boundaries and back away.
No more narcissists.
No more avoidants.
Are You Ready to Become Secure?
Maybe you’ve done therapy.
Read books.
Taken courses.
Scrolled endlessly.
Great.
Now it’s time to integrate.
To embody.
To regulate.
To live securely.
Here’s what you can do right now, and finding this article and reading to this point comes with great reward.
I offer:
A Free Love Life Assessment Click here.
My From Anxious to Secure Self Love Club on Facebook
Private 1:1 coaching for deep healing Click here for special rate.
I also offer a Free Inner Child Reconnection & Reparenting Workbooklet.
📩 Email me at lisa@lovequestcoaching.com and mention this article.
I’ve been where you are.
If I can go from anxious and codependent to secure, so can you.
I’ve got you.
Big hugs,
Lisa
Lisa Concepcion, CPLF, ELMP, is a certified life coach who helps people go from anxious attachment to secure through Inner Child Reconnection and Reparenting. As the founder of LoveQuest Coaching, Lisa has helped clients heal codependency, cultivate self-love, and build emotionally secure relationships since 2016.
👉 Learn more about Lisa here.