Going No Contact With a Narcissist Here’s What to Consider

While going no contact with a narcissist is ultimately the only solution to guarantee peace in your life, it’s often a difficult thing to actually do. Going no contact with a narcissist (or someone highly manipulative or toxic) doesn’t only apply to romantic relationships but also family, friendships and professional relationships as well. 

As a Certified Professional LoveLife Coach, I’d say over 85% of my clients come to me trying to go no contact and struggle with the decision. Out of this group most if not all have unresolved childhood issues which must be addressed in order to create a peaceful happy life. 

Here are a few things to consider when going no contact with a narcissist and how to actually pull it off so that it sticks. 

• Understand what no contact means. 

• No contact means no contact. It doesn’t mean silent treatment. It doesn’t mean allow them to chase you and beg for forgiveness. It means you end all contact. Period. 

• If you need to be chased and begged for forgiveness, then do some Inner Child Work to handle whatever wounds are still within you, making you need the validation, approval, recognition and attention from someone who’s behavior has repeatedly shown you what they are truly about. 

• Have they changed? Nope! So stop hoping they will. 

• No contact will require blocking this person from all social media and your phone. 

But what if I’m coparenting with my ex and they are narcissistic? 

This is a common question. My suggestion, only allow communication about the kids and keep it brief. Do not entertain any messages about you, the past and save all messages for future legal use.

Consider only communicating via email. You don’t want your nervous system to get all dysregulated with the constant bombardment of alerts on your phone. 

When co-parenting with a narcissist you want to start operating as someone who is building a legal case. You want to be 3 steps ahead of these psychopaths at all times. 

One of the other things I coach on is dealing with narcissistic parents and other family members.

Going no contact is easier with family because you can block their number and never hear from them again. 

Remember these family members aren’t paying your mortgage, rent, car insurance, or for anything else in your life. 

If they are, and you’re an adult, you have bigger problems and need to get control of your life. 

In order for people to have a say in your life, they need to pay for your life. So decide… get uncomfortable and take full responsibility for yourself or, remain under their control. 

Stop relying on manipulative parents who control you with money. You’ll never grow up. 

My recommendation, if possible, move to another city or, if possible, state. 

When going no contact, setting a physical boundary is often necessary and a fast track to peace. 

But what will the family think if I just up and go? What if I stay and go no contact? What will the family think? 

This is the question that keeps people in misery. 

First,  no one could or should ever care for you more than you. So stop it. Stop giving a f*ck about what people who see you a few times a year think about you. Your peace is your priority and responsibility. You get to choose how you preserve and protect your peace. 

This is a codependent mindset, one who wants to please everyone at their own expense. Aren’t you tired of this? If you’re still reading. I’m thinking, you are fed up. 

What about when others in the family reach out to me to ask what’s going on?

You definitely want to write down what prompted your decision to go no contact with your family member. You want to make sure your story is solid. You also want to be succinct when explaining yourself without loads of detail. 

I did Public Relations for 23 years so I incorporate a lot of that skill set when helping clients create “key messaging” to quickly offer a statement.

An example of a boundary statement is: 

“After long and careful consideration, I finally decided to claim full responsibility for my peace. I’ve been mistreated by (said person) for far too long and choose not to allow it any longer. I appreciate your concern and for your respect for my privacy regarding this matter.” 

Then when family members come at you again you simply say the same statement again and again. 

This is called having boundaries of discussion. 

Being an adult means you get to decide which subjects are off limits. 

But what about holidays and if they get sick? 

No contact means no contact. Period. If your family sides with the narcissist who paints you as the villain and themselves the victim then congratulations, you get to see who has your back and who is just another sheep. 

This is collateral damage when you love yourself. People who prefer you behaving as they need you to behave don’t like it. 

Too bad. 

You weren’t put here to take sh-t from people. 

If something happens to them someone in your family will reach out. You can then decide how you want to proceed at that time.

There will always be new people to choose to be around. Oftentimes most people will admit that if they weren’t related, they wouldn’t spend any time with these toxic, ignorant people. 

You don’t have to subject yourself to abuse just because they are family. 

Write them off. 

Open yourself up to people who will treat you with more kindness and respect than your own blood relatives.

Blow up that family bridge packed with toxic generational trauma with C4. 

The problem with victims of narcissistic abuse and manipulators is that they spend so much time focused on analyzing their abuser. 

They want to get to the bottom of why their abuser is the way they are. 

Allow yourself 1 month to research narcissistic abuse. Write down all your questions and then send them all to me here. I will answer all of your questions free of charge. 

You want to get to month 2. 

This is when you start to turn the focus off of them and onto yourself. 

This is when you commit to healing your past wounded versions of you. Inner Child Work and Shadow Work are the two modalities I’ve done (and still do) and teach my clients how to do.

Both are incredibly efficient and effective in helping you to learn how to love yourself by reconnecting with these wounded past versions of yourself and choosing to provide them with the love, care, compassion, kindness, patience, attention, nurturing and when necessary discipline. 

This is how we built self trust and self worth, something anyone who has dealt with manipulators, liars, abusers, or narcissistic types are lacking in. 

It’s time to accept that these people for whatever reason made the unfortunate decision to cross boundaries, disrespect you and treat you poorly. They feel entitled to your energy. Don’t let them suck your energy from you. 

This is what they do. 

They treat you like crap then play victim.

Do not tolerate it. 

Write them off once and for all.

Can’t they change?

Nope. Unfortunately they cannot see what they’ve done. They don’t see themselves. They lack self awareness and empathy. They think they know everything about everything and will attack you for not going along with their delusions. 

Accept this is how they are and forgive it but do not allow these toxic people back in your life. 

Go no contact. You won’t regret it. 

Be sure to have support when going no contact. This is what my clients do. They hire me to be their support when they doubt they did the right thing, when they get bombarded with texts and emails, when they can’t focus and feel awful. They are detoxing from a toxic person and it’s rough. 

However, going no contact is necessary. 

If you want a life that truly brings you peace and joy, then you need to get very solid about who is and is not a part of your life. 

What kind of people do you want around you based on how you want to feel? 

Do you want antagonistic, confrontational, argumentative people around you? 

Take your Inner Child by the hand and lead them to peace. Perhaps this innocent Inner Child is used to this toxicity and was programmed to expect it and think it’s normal. This is why they continue to run your life. 

Commit to your Inner Child and tell them you are now taking the lead. You’re the adult, not them. Tell them they are never alone, they are always loved by you and that you will fiercely protect them. Where you go, they go.

Learning how to connect to and communicate with your Inner Child and Shadow Selves is a gamechanger in your healing process. 

This is what I teach. 

Maybe you recently went no contact with a narcissist and keep getting hoovered. It’s on and off, having hope and then another fall. The up and down has programmed you for instability. 

It’s time to reprogram your brian and tend to your nervous system which has been thrown out of whack by these people.

As a next step to get you started on your healing and onto the next happy chapter of your life, I invite you to reach out to me directly at lisa@lovequestcoaching.com. 

I am happy to help you as you make this necessary decision for the betterment of your life. 

It takes courage and in life, courage is rewarded greatly. 

You got this. Get the support you need. 

Lisa Concepcion is the Founder of LoveQuestCoaching.com a Personal Development Academy offering courses and one on one coaching for awakened, high conscious individuals, who actively invest in bettering themselves and seek solutions for their problems in their relationships and life. Lisa is a Certified Professional LoveLife Coach, and Energy Leadership Master Practitioner through the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC).