When She Says She’s Bored: What’s Really Going On in a Marriage Before Divorce
Talk to any man out there struggling in their marriage and they’ll tell you that they are loyal, don’t ask for much, yet out of nowhere, their wife starts saying she’s bored and wants a divorce.
After the wife says “she’s bored and wants a divorce,” some couples remain stagnant. They don’t want to end the marriage yet they don’t want to continue with things as they are.
This is where a marriage coach like me comes in to either save the marriage or move forward apart but, amicably.
My approach, either fix it or end it but DO NOT allow there to be stagnation.
Change needs to happen for growth to continue. No growth means no excitement.
Now more than ever women are initiating divorce. There are many posts online about women reaching a certain age and then deciding they want to take half of everything and live on her own. They earn their own money and can get mortgages. They think they “don’t need a man.”
They want a man but don’t need one who isn’t “manning up.”
In many cases men end up with the children after their wives “go crazy” engaging in dangerous behaviors, partying, even partaking in drug and / or alcohol abuse.
Mitch 46, from Long Island, NY shares that he met Melanie in college. They fell in love and did everything right. They married 20 years ago, have 2 kids and now Melanie seems distant, quiet, as if her personality changed.
“She’s depressed. But about what? We have a great life with so much to be grateful for. She doesn’t even talk to me about what she’s feeling. I feel like I can’t do anything to help her if she won’t tell me what’s going on. Then she says she needs an all girls getaway. We never traveled separately. She wants to go to Miami to get away. I feel like she’s trying to be 22 again.”
Mitch and Melanie represent so many couples who come to me for solutions.
What does it mean when your wife starts changing into someone who you never would have married? Narcissistic, selfish, distant, withdrawn, distracted, reckless? And more importantly — what can men do before it’s too late?
1. “Bored” Is Rarely About Just Boredom
When a woman says she’s bored, it’s often code for emotionally disconnected.
It can mean:
She no longer feels seen, heard, or appreciated. When this happens she feels taken for granted, not adored, not even liked. So she may subconsciously start fights just to get some response from you. It’s toxic and unnecessary and it needs to stop. She’s looking to you for leadership. So tell her, “we are getting help with our marriage. We aren’t divorcing until we resolve the issues one by one.”
And have a plan. Click here to take the lead and I’ll help you pull together a plan to save your marriage and family.
The relationship has slipped into autopilot. You both wake up, tend to kids, work, come home, tend to kids, eat, fall asleep in front of the TV, repeat. It is a boring life!! What are you doing together as a couple? What are your rituals? It can’t only be about the kids and work.
Every conversation is about logistics — kids, bills, chores — and never about dreams, play, or intimacy. This puts her in masculine energy, always in her head, on the go.
For many women, “bored” means “I feel invisible.”
2. Menopause and Perimenopause Are Silent Relationship Disruptors
Hormonal changes bring physical, mental, and emotional shifts — from fatigue and mood swings to changes in libido and identity.
There is plenty of information out there about solutions that help women. I’m 54, and a huge fan of Hormone Replacement Therapy. My husband is 60 and we are very into wellness of body, mind and soul. We work out, eat well, cut out processed foods, take supplements and enjoy downtime together.
If perimenopause and menopause isn’t talked about openly, women can feel even more misunderstood and disconnected.
She may associate her lack of passion or energy with the marriage itself, not realizing how much biology plays a role.
Take the lead and talk to her from a place of concern and not judgement.
My coaching provides the talking points men can use to come at these sensitive topics from a place of masculine strength so she feels safe yet held to your standard. You are allowed to have standards as a man.
3. Emotional Affairs Are Easier Than Ever
In the age of social media, an “innocent” reconnection with an old flame can turn into emotional infidelity before anyone realizes what’s happening.
When a woman feels undervalued at home, the validation from an outside source can become addictive — even if it’s ultimately destructive.
Also, this is incredibly important, she may be struggling with low self esteem, low self worth, and unresolved childhood issues that are suppressed.
I coached a couple Jim and Maureen from northern New Jersey a few years back ( together 29 years). Maureen would project her unresolved daddy issues onto her husband.
Her husband was fed up with being the punching bag. When she asked for a divorce he flat out said that if they did marriage coaching (counseling didn’t solve the problems), and didn’t shift the real issue, then he would give her a divorce and she’d have to buy him out of their business.
With kids outside the house, this was their fun time, a few years alone to enjoy their home and success they’ve built before their kids started getting married and having kids.
Both in their 50’s and young spirited, it was constant criticism and bickering and the only thing they thought they did well together was their business.
After 6 sessions with me, Maureen realized finally that she needed to set boundaries with her controlling narcissistic father. She learned how to step up and lead her wounded inner children inside her so that she wasn’t projecting resentment of her father onto Jim.
Jim realized that he needed to take initiative, make plans, talk about vacations and actually do more than work, come home, eat and repeat.
Jim also realized he needed to say no and assert himself as not to be steamrolled by his wife.
Maureen had lost respect for Jim as a husband but regained it when Jim said in one of the sessions, “Maureen I love you, even with all the bullsh*t we’ve had to deal with. Your dad did a number on you and I will support you through resolving those issues. I have your back. You have my word and when you conquer this, let’s go on a family trip to Turks and Caicos and renew our vows for our 30th anniversary.
Maureen was brought to tears. They hugged and he said, “awh my MoMo, we’re going to be ok.”
Maureen then worked with me to create the talking points for the necessary and tough conversation she needed to have with her father as her adult self not as her 16 year old self.
There’s always more at the core and my coaching looks at the core issue but brings it into the present so it can be handled and then the couple can move forward together in a way stronger place.
Don’t just shut down and go along with her request for a divorce. Maintain your masculine frame and LEAD!!!
4. Why Men Shut Down — and Why That Makes Things Worse
Many men respond to relationship stress by withdrawing.
They avoid conflict, keep emotions to themselves, and focus on work or hobbies. This isn’t stoicism, this is avoidance.
She wants you to be stoic. This means you’re aware of your emotions and not run by them so when things go sideways you can look at the situation logically and present options, possible solutions and connect as a team with you as quarterback.
Men are quick to think they’re avoiding a fight, their partner experiences it as emotional abandonment — which feeds the cycle of disconnection.
Men don’t want to deal with the crying, the accusations. SO DON’T!!
Take the lead and tell her, I love you and I want to solve this and I won’t be talked down to. This only works if we speak to each other with patience and respect.
Then start asking questions. Let her see you genuinely want to know what is going on with her.
What Men Can Do to Prevent “I’m Bored” From Becoming “I’m Leaving”
Stay emotionally curious. Ask her about her dreams, feelings, and daily life — even after 20 years. I provide my clients with awesome questions designed to help them expand their desires and brainstorm ways to make dreams reality as a tram. This level of reconnection inspires couples to make significant changes in their lives.
Address the changes of midlife together. Learn about menopause and how it impacts her physically and emotionally. Research menopause experts, listen to podcasts, get informed and get solutions.
Prioritize intimacy beyond the bedroom. Small acts of affection, shared laughter, and surprise gestures matter. I once helped a couple save their marriage with an assignment of after dinner walks 30 minutes no phones. They loved it so much they extended it to an hour. The kids were also assigned to do after dinner clean up so mom and dad can have alone time. The kids were happy to help. The entire family was reconnected again.
Don’t avoid the hard talks. Lean in, even when it’s uncomfortable. But… lay out the ground rules for respectful communication. My conscious communications for couples program helps couples not only resolve the core issues but teaches a new approach towards communication with hacks that help.
Bottom Line
When a woman says she’s bored, it’s not always the death sentence it sounds like. It’s a signal — an urgent one — that the marriage needs reconnection, understanding, and new energy.
The couples who survive this stage aren’t lucky — they’re intentional.
If your marriage is feeling strained, don’t wait until the divorce papers are on the table. I help individuals and couples bridge this gap before it becomes unfixable.
Book a private coaching session with me today and start rebuilding the connection you both deserve.
~Lisa Concepcion, Certified Professional Life Coach
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