Why You Can't Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
Recently, a 38 year old event planner named Raquel reached out to me asking why she is so stagnant in her life, resistant to change and unable to get out of her comfort zone. We all get comfy in the familiar. We like routine. We get into a groove, it works until it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, many times we can’t get out of our comfort zone.
I broke free of a comfort zone that kept me safe, small and stagnant. It destroyed me, my career. It was 2010-2015 and I was separated from my now ex-husband.
People commended my bravery and boldness for moving from Bergen Country, New Jersey to South Beach, Miami, Florida within 90 days. I went from living in the Jersey suburbs in the NY metro area where all I ever knew was; to living in what seems like another country at times.
I definitely got uncomfortable. I went from a house to a 1 bedroom apartment, from a quiet suburban street to a noisy urban beach town.
I went from married to separated and heartbroken and, I was on a mission to do what was comfortable. As a codependent (back then), I hated being alone. My comfort was in being in a relationship. I was always either a girlfriend, a fiancee, or a wife.
Being single was massively uncomfortable. It gave me this feeling of floating. I wasn’t grounded. I was wobbly. After healing what was at the core of my codependency, I learned to revel in my solitude and that I am never alone.
But back in 2010-2015, I was teetering on the high wire of total discomfort with the safety net of my husband keeping me tethered to comfort. He moved to Miami to be with me but we never had a plan. He was very much in his own head and I had no idea what he was thinking.
We sucked at communication and because of this I remained separated and in limbo for four and a half years.
I was stuck in between reconciliation, which I wanted, and divorce (which I needed).
Sometimes comfort zones take the form of people. We can move to a whole new city, change careers, start businesses, jump out of airplanes, lose massive amounts of weight. However, when it comes to people; we carry them around like a 3 year old does their blankee.
In the case of Raquel the event planner, her whole life was one big comfort zone. She lived in the same place for 9 years (I so can relate), she’s been in a “situationship” which is just two steps up from booty call one step up from friend with benefits (both colossal wastes of time and low value). She’s also in her own bubble lacking the mental energy to date and the bandwidth to try new things and meet new people.
This is what puts people on the wake up, go to work, work, come home, eat take out standing at the sink or in front of the TV, binge some Netflix, go to bed and repeat. Social lives suffer. It’s astounding how many adults don’t have any friends. They don’t have that crew of 4 people who they can wrangle up for a brunch.
It makes being single a buzzkill.
Another event planner client of mine, same age as Raquel, worked to handle the work, work, work, stress, no time to date, comfort zone, existence. She was excessively tied to the outcome of having a boyfriend. She thought her life would be more exciting with a boyfriend.
She soon learned that in order to attract the right partner, you need to have an exciting life on your own and comfort zones crush the excitement.
Why? Because whenever we cling to comfort zones it’s because the ego is running the show. Any time we see ourselves choosing safety over growth, our ego is calling the shots. People ignore this and that is where the problem is. Ego.
I was scared of an unknown future without my husband. I was 44 years old! I knew him 24 years of my life. He was my touchstone, my home base, my emotional blankee who knew of all my wounds, my shortcomings, and loved me anyway.
When he chose to separate I was lost. I faked it pretty well but deep down lost. I slipped into the comfort zone of being separated. It was marital limbo. Big time wisdom!! Never bother with separation. Separation is just training wheels for divorce.
Separation puts people in a dysfunctional comfort zone. I was stuck.
This was the ego’s chatter in my head.
Ego: Lisa, who will you be without Alex?
Inner Being: I love you always. You have nothing to fear.
Ego: What if you don’t meet anyone better?
Inner Being: You won’t meet anyone better. You’ll meet someone different because you will be different.
Ego: But I don’t want different.
Inner Being: You want joy! This is not joy. You want unconditional love and only I have that for you.
That right there was the magic that shifted me. Self love. Bye bye comfort zone and hello growth and alignment.
Today, I coach mainly TypeA professionals, the go getters. The issue of comfort zones and the "treadmill" of life is a common one.
I'm a general life coach so despite my focus being on dating and relationships; I take a much more holistic approach to my coaching. This is because in order to date successfully, one must be really happy with their life.
Clinging to comfort zones doesn’t make for a happy life. The stagnation blocks you in all areas of life.
The frustrating thing is that there’s a win in the comfort. When that’s unraveled you’re free!
Once I showed up and told my Inner Child, I was taking over and settled the ego way way down, I started to look at the life I wanted versus the one I had slipped into and the gap in-between. Closing that gap became my new adventure.
I’m now obsessed with living my best life and I know getting there comes with massive, agonizing, discomfort. Bring… it…on!
I had to deal with taking the chance of speaking to my husband yet again about making a decision. He was ready to divorce long before I was. I know that now. Still, he never went ahead with it until the awful conversation took place a final time.
For so long I was comfortable in the limbo; being sort of married.
The problem is being sort of anything and stuck in a comfort zone blocks all the blessings from coming.
There's a reason for the split energy of "I want it but I'm afraid." Coaching, at least the way I do it, helps people get to the root of that fear.
In the case of Raquel, it’s possible that her fear has to do with old beliefs about love, happiness and work that are all wadded up with self worth noise in there too.
There’s an emotional and mental knot to untangle and when we do, life will take an exciting new direction. There’s almost instantly more ease and flow.
Getting out of the comfort zone requires a commitment to taking action. But... here's the catch. Before you can take action, you need to be inspired to do so. This spark of inspiration is what coaching helps people to tap into. It’s the fire under your ass, or the north star that wakes your ass out of bed and says, ok, let’s create greatness.
When it comes to getting out of the comfort zone of solitude to start dating again, many people wish they can just fast forward through the whole dating and getting to know people part and just hop on Amazon Prime and order an ideal partner. Boom! They can be delivered in less than 3 days with a return policy.
Dating with Power and Purpose is 95% mindset. It requires that people are 100% comfortable with themselves and are self loving.
When we’re being run by our fear, aka our ego we are detached and of very low energy.
Our truest self, our divine inner being is in there all bright and loving. This is the version of us who really knows the truth.
Inner being says, "you are love and are put here to love and be loved. You're here to experience all sorts of stuff and grow." Ego says, "everyone sucks, they all lie, they're all not good enough, so why bother, change is scary, let's just stay here comfortable where everything stays the same."
Right now, if you’re Googling around the web and found this article and are still reading, it is possible that your ego is making you it's little bitch.
I suspect there's some residual hurts that came from a past relationship, perhaps childhood experiences that created some beliefs about change (and people) being scary.
The good news is that with commitment, love and professional support, you can create a whole new life that is comfortably uncomfortable. It’s really all about getting to know your truest self and giving yourself compassion, kindness, love and that ego, a swift kick in the ass.
Lisa Concepcion, Certified Professional Love Life Strategist, Coach and Founder of LoveQuestCoaching helps TypeA Success Minded Professionals who struggle with love. Contact her here.