How To Protect Yourself From Another Toxic Relationship With a Narcissist
How To Protect Yourself From Another Toxic Relationship With a Narcissist
By Lisa Concepcion, Certified Professional Life Coach and Founder of LoveQuest Coaching.
Perhaps you have taken time to do the inner work required to develop self love, raise your self esteem and confidence and now you would like to open yourself up to love again, however, your biggest fear is attracting yet another toxic relationship with a narcissist.
You’ve worked so hard on yourself. The last thing you want is to get lovebombed and fall for the charm all over again. You want to be sure you can protect yourself from yet another toxic relationship with a narcissist.
Self trust is what’s needed.
Most of my clients have done therapy, read books, done seminars, yet, they come to me fearful that despite all of the work they’ve done, they aren’t fully confident they can tell the difference between a genuinely good person, real charm and charisma versus lovebombing and manipulation.
If you were searching for information on how to protect yourself from another toxic relationship with a narcissist. Keep reading. This will help you.
When we open ourselves up to love again, we’re filled with hope and excitement. After working on yourself you’re clearer about what you want and what you don’t.
The problem is when in the moment of the date without proper integration, it is possible to be “swept up” in the banter, the connection and will drop your guard and boundaries.
What does integration mean?
Integration is simply walking your talk. It’s being in the energy of what you want.
Integration is embodiment. It is your thoughts and actions working in alignment; consistent self-loving behaviors for a desired intentional result.
For example, when I was dating to attract my now husband my thoughts, actions, behaviors had to be the embodiment of a wifely woman.
Simply put, to attract my husband I had to behave in a wifely manner. I integrated this by setting a curfew for myself, limiting my alcohol consumption on dates to 2 drinks, no sleep overs until I knew we were on the same page regarding what we wanted, and no sex until we were in love.
He proposed after 4 months and we married a year later.
The great news is that when a person is fully integrated, they are no longer appealing to the predatory narcissist. Narcissists can sniff out a self loving person who is healed and whole. They keep moving on to prey upon the weak.
People who are integrated are attractive to healthy, fulfilled “high quality” people who also did their inner work and are integrated too.
That said, when a person is fully integrated they are able to do the following things to make sure they protect themselves from another toxic relationship with a narcissist.
Know What Your Red Flags Are and How to Walk Away
By now you probably have done enough research to know all about the characteristics of psychopaths, sociopaths, covert and malignant narcissists.
If you have yet to delve into how these people charm, manipulate and choose their prey, I suggest diving into the rabbit hole so you are armed with information and know what to look for.
Or you can connect with me and I’ll teach you exactly what to look for and how to avoid another relationship with a toxic narcissist.
Some red flags are, bursts of anger when stressed or frustrated, excessive drinking, overly physical too soon, making assumptive comments about you as a couple before you even decided if you want to see them again, telling you what it would be like to be together and how they’d treat you, a feeling that you’re being sold something.
Trust Your Gut
If someone feels a little off, trust your instincts. You can learn a lot about someone by asking good open ended questions and knowing what to listen for. Here’s an article with 20 Great Questions to ask on a Date.
Let people show you what they are about. Then make your decision. Don’t talk yourself into giving someone more chances. If you feel they aren’t for you and your body gives you signals, pay attention to that.
We were wired thousands of years ago to have a physical response to danger. Trust how you feel. That pit in your stomach, tension in your neck, shortness of breath, sense of dread are all warning signs.
Observe Their Behaviors and Actions Early On
Pay close attention to how your potential partner handles stress or a change in plans, how they treat waitstaff and people overall, and how they treat you.
Don’t make excuses for them. You just met them. Remember, you are assessing and evaluating if they are a fit for you.
I had a client go on 4 dates with someone they thought could be “the one.” She used the “no sex until love approach” to intentional dating which helped her to keep emotions in check and take things slowly.
On the 5th date they ran into his ex at a gelato cafe.
Clearly they weren’t over each other. The interaction was awkward and the energy was thick. My client spent the date listening to him talk about their ex in a disparaging manner. This was a clear Red Flag to step away.
Another client of mine thought he met his ideal woman. She was everything he thought he wanted. She was perfect until 2 months in, she had too much to drink and picked a fight with him accusing him of “probably” seeing other women and that he’s “only going to break her heart.”
She was burned before and clearly hasn’t recovered. Booze brought out her insecurities. He lost interest and learned she soothes with alcohol. Red Flag!
Discuss Past Relationships and Ask This One Question
When and why did your most recent significant relationship end?
You want to know when and why.
You also want to focus on the significant relationship since that is the one that triggers the most emotion.
What you want is for them to say things that show they are over them and that there is no unfinished business. For example,
“My ex-wife and I divorced 5 years ago. We get along great now. We didn’t in the beginning, but we agreed to focus on raising our kids to be responsible, kind, self loving people and in doing so, we became great friends. She’s remarried now, kids seem to like him, he’s a good guy.”
What you don’t want to hear is something like.
“Ah ok, so my most recent relationship ended 3 months ago. The girl was a total headcase, popped pills, and would drink. Total mess. Unresolved daddy issues. My biggest mistake was giving her too many chances. She was one of those really hot but really crazy types. Yeah, no thanks. That’s why I like you, you’re hot but with your head on right.”
A lot of women would focus on the compliment (which is just manipulation) and disregard the blatant red flag and allow him to move on in the discussion.
He admitted to giving more chances because of his physical attraction, this shows a lack of self control. This is a Red Flag.
Psychopathic narcissists love to triangulate and place a seed of doubt by pitting two people against each other with them at the center. Don’t play that game.
Three months isn’t enough time. There’s no self awareness in his response.
Assert Firm Boundaries and See How They Respond
Narcissists and manipulative people don’t like boundaries. They see them as a challenge. Boundaries are powerful and a fast tool that helps you determine if the person you’re with is a narcissist or controlling, manipulative person.
A simple boundary can be a curfew. Let’s say you have a date at 7pm, make 11 pm the time to end the date. Don’t stay out later than that. Four hours is enough for a date. You want to make them want more.
Communicate this confidently when they ask if you want another drink.
“Oh, I’m good, thank you, I have an early morning so I don’t want to overdo it.”
If they push, or make you feel bad for having a boundary, call you “no fun” or “party pooper” or “come on, one more drink.” Red Flag.
A high quality man will respect the boundary and will ask you what you have going on in the morning. They’ll want to know all about you.
Another tactic narcissists will use is trying to extend the date and even come home with you. They’ll offer to drive or Uber with you to your home.
They’ll ask to use the bathroom.
This is why you need to have firm boundaries and a plan for how you pace yourself when dating. Don’t allow strangers into your home.
Get Out of Fantasy Mind and Get Real
Don’t fall for their potential. See who they are. Make your decisions about them based on their actions.
Are they consistent? Do you feel safe and relaxed around them? Are you discussing interesting topics and are you both sharing things about yourselves equally?
Oftentimes narcissistic people like to gather information about you. They mirror you. They ask you about yourself which, to the unhealed, feels like the attention you always wanted.
Remain grounded, especially when it’s the early stages of dating and you are trying to decide if they are for you or not. If you struggle to ground yourself and maintain your energetic frame let’s connect. I teach people how to regulate their nervous system so they are more present, less anxious, and eager.
Don’t make assumptions and fill in the blanks in your mind about them. Ask questions. If they seem uncomfortable, too bad.
You want to focus on who they truly are, not a fantasy of their potential.
To learn more about how to protect yourself from another toxic relationship with a narcissist let’s connect.
If you are fearful of dating it’s because you don’t trust yourself to spot out the red flags and move on, consider learning how to develop self trust so you can truly date to attract your ideal person and not another toxic narcissist.
Your goal is to enjoy a healthy, fulfilling, happy relationship. Sure relationships come with challenges but you want to tackle them as a team. You don’t want to be in constant conflict and power struggles.
Remember, walking away from what could be another toxic relationship is an act of self love.
Consider getting your Free Love Life Assessment where you can get clarity and answers regarding your specific situation. Click here.
Lisa Concepcion is a Certified Professional Life Coach, Dating & Relationship Expert and Founder of LoveQuest Coaching, a Personal Development Academy for people who want to improve themselves so that they can thrive in healthy, loving relationships. Lisa specializes in codependency recovery, is a facilitator of Inner Child Reconnection and Reparenting and helps people to heal and develop Self Love after narcissistic abuse. Lisa is happily married and lives in Florida, USA and has been coaching people worldwide since 2017.
Click here to schedule your one on one session with Lisa and get started on leveling up on love.