How Your Unhealed Childhood Wounds Negatively Impacts Your Adult Relationships
Imagine there are past, younger, wounded versions of yourself living inside of you.
There’s a little kid version of you, an adolescent version and a teen version.
Each of them experienced trauma of varying degrees of severity.
Perhaps your sibling was born, maybe your parents divorced, maybe someone close to you passed away, maybe you were left behind, or afraid of something. Maybe something happened where you were embarrassed or ashamed.
Think back and see yourself at that inner child, adolescent and teen.
What did they need from their parents or caretakers that they didn’t receive?
What comes up for you?
What traumatized these past wounded inner versions of you and how did the adults around them tend to them if at all?
Now imagine that wounded inner child, adolescent or teen is still seeking soothing. They are inside of you still wanting to feel whole, loved and safe.
But instead of going to you, they are looking outside of you to others to provide them with the love, care, guidance, leadership they needed to feel safe, secure, seen and heard.
So when people say they have a “broken picker,” something I often hear my clients say, it’s a sign their wounded past versions of themselves are running the show and doing the picking.
Notice your past relationships. Have you chosen people that remind you of your parents, people who might not be available, or kind or patient.
The wounded inner child, adolescent or teen have been entrained to be attracted to what’s familiar.
This is why when I teach my clients how to reconnect and reparent their wounded inner child, adolescent and teen, they shift the pattern from letting the inner child pick the wrong people to the adult version of you attracting the right one.
What happens when your unhealed childhood wounds negatively impact your adult relationships?
You might experience a few of the following things.
1. People Pleasing and Difficulty Setting and Keeping Boundaries: Saying yes when you mean no. Needing to be liked, thought of as good, trying to fix or do for others are a few examples.
Perhaps the message you carry is, “if I am good and please my parents, I get love.”
2. Fear of Abandonment, Anxious, Avoidant or Disorganized Attachment: If you were abandoned as a kid or didn’t have needs met due to emotional neglect, wanted more connection, acknowledgment with a need to be seen and heard, you may get clingy or codependent in your adult relationships.
You may also push people away so they can’t abandon you or do a combination of both creating a push pull dynamic in relationships.
Perhaps the message you carry is, “I’m afraid they’ll leave me so either I get clingy or aloof. I might even start fights to see if they stick around no matter what.”
3. Intense Emotional Reactions: Simple disagreements turn into a heightened battle of proving you are right. There might be anger, intense frustration, difficulty communicating your point of view without crying or yelling.
Perhaps the message you carry is, “I’m never heard. No one gets me. They don’t listen. I have to fight to be heard.”
4. Difficulty Being Vulnerable: Perhaps you had to grow up too fast and assume some adult responsibilities before you were truly ready. You were taught to be independent and self-reliant and were praised for it. “I got this,” is your mantra and you do very well for yourself however when it comes to relationships you may find it hard to receive and to be vulnerable.
You may find that you can only go to a certain point with people lacking true intimacy and deeper emotional connection. You might also feel isolated.
Perhaps the message you carry is, “why bother telling others my problems? I can do it myself. I always had to.”
5. Same Conflict With No Change: Do you find yourself engaging in petty conflicts or having difficulty resolving conflicts? Is there an attachment to being right, proving your point, making them see your side? This need to control is an indication a wounded inner child, adolescent or teen is running the show.
Perhaps the message you carry is, “if they only did it my way or saw my perspective and changed, there wouldn’t be any problems.”
6. Inability to Communicate Needs: When a child is taught to put everyone ahead of themselves and please others, they struggle to determine what they want and need from others let alone ask for it. This leads to being easy going and acquiescent but with resentment.
Perhaps you wish people would just read your mind or anticipate your needs and then get frustrated when they don’t. You get what you ask for. Heal the wounded inner child and learn to advocate for yourself.
Click here if this is your struggle and you want to handle it.
7. Low Self-Esteem: If you weren’t praised, felt good enough and questioned your value and worth, you may seek love outside yourself, struggle to value yourself, and be a target for predatory narcissists who lovebomb people with low self esteem.
You might also think there is something wrong with someone for loving you, making you doubt that you are worthy of genuine love and kindness, pushing people away.
Perhaps the message you carry is, “I’m not good enough. Why would someone want to be with me?”
8. Trust Issues: You don’t trust others and you don’t trust yourself. You struggle to let anyone in, fearing they may betray you. You may assume you can’t trust them if you open up and are truly authentic and honest.
Perhaps the message you carry is, “I was burned before. People always show their true colors eventually.”
If you are struggling to attract your ideal person and you believe it’s due to past unresolved wounds that you would like to finally handle, heal and shift, click here and tell me more about what you are experiencing or skip that step and click here to get on my calendar.
The book on Inner Child Healing which was incredibly helpful in my own healing journey was "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" by John Bradshaw. I highly recommend it.
It’s one of my go-to books that I use with my clients during our coaching sessions where we cover the following.
Reconnecting and nurturing the inner child (adolescent and teen).
Validating and expressing your emotional experiences and your perceptions of your childhood.
Confronting the specific wounds in a manner that creates self compassion and deep self care and love.
Tools and techniques for healing, which includes journaling, self reflection, coloring, play, visualization and other ways to reconnect in a manner that resonates best for you.
Emotional awareness, emotional literacy, being able to determine what you need and ask for it.
Feeling centered, empowered and joyous. When you reconnect with your wounded past versions of you, the inner children see you as their leader and grow to trust you. This increases joy, playfulness, light heartedness, a feeling of ease and fun, and other high vibe emotions often suppressed when we become wrapped up in adulting.
Attracting and selecting your tribe. When you do this inner work you will find that certain people aren’t a match for you anymore. You start to crave supportive people who help you level up instead of hold you back.
Doing this work changed my life and it definitely will change yours too. If you’re still reading then it’s time for action.
This is what you’ll get and how you’ll feel when you commit to doing Inner Child Work.
You’ll integrate the inner child into your adult life but with you running the show and calling the shots.
Self confidence, self awareness, more authenticity and fulfillment.
Deep emotional healing and finally “letting go” of all the stuff you’ve been carrying all this time. Freeing up the space for new people and new opportunities.
Self compassion, kinder more loving inner talk, no more beating yourself up.
You’ll be more magnetic to others. People will want to know you.
Solid and healthy boundaries, self advocacy (speaking up for yourself).
Patience, groundedness and the strength to cope with stress or emotional triggers.
Total empowerment through true self love.
You will feel awesome and life will meet you at this new higher energy frequency. More opportunities. More adventures and more peace.
Take the next step and click here for additional resources.
I’m glad your search led you here and look forward to connecting with you and helping you heal your wounded inner child so that you can create the love you truly desire.
About the Author: Lisa Concepcion is a Certified Professional Life Coach who helps people to cure codependency, and heal their wounded inner children so they can date with confidence, get over break ups, and reinvent themselves after divorce. Her signature “LoveQuest 3R Method to Self Love" which calls for radical Reconnection, Recovery, and Reinvention. Lisa has been featured as a dating and relationship expert in dozens of media articles, podcasts, and summits. Based in Florida, Lisa coaches people worldwide via video conference. To connect with Lisa click here.