Why Do I Attract Narcissists? 7 Traits That Make You a Magnet (and How to Stop It)
If you’ve ever asked yourself: “Why do I attract narcissists?” “How do I stop attracting emotionally unavailable people?” “What is it about me that draws in toxic partners?” You’re not alone. I’ve been a Certified Professional Life Coach specializing in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and Reinvention since 2016, and these are some of the most common questions I hear in my coaching practice.
This article shows you exactly what makes you so attractive and appealing to narcissists—and what to do about it so you no longer attract narcissists and start attracting people who aren’t chaotic and manipulative with emotional maturity and the ability to be in a peaceful relationship. Isn’t that what you want? A relationship that doesn’t have you on edge and agitated all the time?
You are ready for this information and ready to take action. You have had enough and want to break the pattern of attracting narcissistic people.
🚩 7 Traits That Narcissists Look for in a Partner
Narcissists are experts at identifying people who will meet their emotional needs… while ignoring their own. They’re like bratty, children who demand your attention all the time. They’re exhausting and toxic. Here’s what narcissists are drawn to the most and the qualities they are preying on.
1. High Empathy
You feel deeply, love hard, and always want to help others. While this is beautiful, narcissists exploit it by playing the victim to gain your sympathy. It’s ok to treat people as they treat you. Empaths feel for others without individuation. They become engulfed by others. Their problems become yours and that’s the problem.
You often feel like you lose yourself in relationships and slip into people pleasing mode or bending to meet their needs. Because you are highly empathetic without boundaries, you give multiple chances trying to see the good in people instead of cutting them off at the first red flag.
We get more of what we choose to tolerate. I you want to learn how to become an Empowered Empath keep reading…
2. Conflict Avoidance
You’d rather keep the peace than rock the boat. Narcissists thrive on this by testing your boundaries until you give in. You would rather just say yes, and give into whatever they want than go another round of arguing. This is another form of people pleasing where perhaps in childhood you were programmed by caretakers to keep quiet, don’t make a fuss, accused of being too sensitive, too much, and didn’t assert yourself for fear of the consequences of being “in trouble.”
3. Over-Responsibility
You feel responsible for others' happiness. Narcissists love this because they’ll never take accountability. You’ll just keep trying to fix everything. This is a core sign of codependency which can be healed once you get to the root cause of the codependency which was formed in childhood. In my one on one session done via video conference, we quickly identify how your codependency started, the false and toxic beliefs that fuel it, and how to shift into self love, self care, and true empowerment.
4. Low Boundaries
Whether it’s saying “yes” when you mean “no,” or giving chance after chance, this trait keeps you stuck in cycles of disrespect and manipulation. The more self love, self worth, self confidence and self advocacy you build, the better your boundaries will be. Many codependents can talk about the boundaries they think they have or would like to have but then, they get rolled over by their overbearing, manipulative, exhausting, partner. Having boundaries requires direct, firm, assertiveness spoken from a place of solid decision so the boundaries stick. If you present a boundary without the backing of decision the narcissist will launch int negotiation gaslighting you into thinking relationships are about give and take (as they take far more and more). Narcissists can’t stand self advocacy and decisiveness. They don’t like being told “no” without any further explanation.
5. People-Pleasing
You seek validation through being liked, needed, or chosen. Narcissists will love-bomb you at first, only to devalue and discard you later. Codependents are love addicted. They seek love externally due to their low self worth. All of this originated in childhood. They truly believe their worthiness and goodness is based on what others think of them. Many codependents try to prove their worthiness due to a deep internal false belief of not being enough. My coaching helps people turn this around fast through Inner Child Reconnection and Reparenting, a powerful self loving process that empowers you to take full responsibility for your past wounded versions of you, shift your inner dialogue from self judgement to self compassion, from excuses to self discipline, from uncertainty to decisiveness. It was the game-changer for me back in 2015 and I’ll share all you need to know to make the life changing shift you are certainly wanting.
6. Fear of Abandonment
If you grew up fearing rejection, had a parent who was inconsistent with their care, love and time, perhaps was a child of divorce, you might cling to relationships—even when they’re toxic. Narcissists sense this and use it to control you. They lovebomb you and appear perfect in the early stages of dating. They paint a picture of the ideal future you’ll have together. This is a form of mental and emotional programming.
Then you start noticing changes. You ask questions but are made to feel like you are over reacting, are crazy and begin to doubt your own intuition. The narcissist’s goal is to remove your own connection to your own intuition (God Force within) and instead get you attached to them so they can have total control over you.
Your anxious attachment style inspires you to want to change other people to be what you need them to be in order to feel safe instead of just walking away. Trauma bonds form and the narcissists know this. You spend years trying to get back to the first months of the relationship which was all just a grooming process to “get you.”
7. Strong Caretaker Instinct
You may unconsciously try to rescue, fix, or heal others. Narcissists need constant attention, and you’re wired to give until you're empty. Your need to be loved is so deep that you believe the more you do for others, the more worthy of love they will think you are. Takers will take and take. Rescuers and fixers, give and give and give. Once you understand how you were programmed to behave this way in relationships, your healing will speed up. You’ll make new agreements with yourself and you will start taking the best care of yourself first.
Again… treat others as they treat you and deny access, pull back your energy from anyone who tries to manipulate you.
Is this resonating with you?
If so, I want to hear about you and what you’ve experienced. Check out the Free LoveLife Assessment where you can openly share where you’re at by answering several key questions. You’ll get a full report based on all you share. This is an excellent tool for fast clarity.
🧠 But Why Do I Have The Traits That Attract Narcissists?
Most of these traits are not your fault. Again, they’re survival patterns formed in childhood.
If you were raised in a home where love was conditional, where your needs were minimized, or where you had to "perform" for approval… then your nervous system learned that love equals self-abandonment.
We attract and remain in relationships according to the set point of our nervous system. Our nervous system chooses familiarity because we know how to survive in what’s familiar.
This is why a person with an alcoholic parent is most likely to attract and be in a relationship with an alcoholic.
If a person grew up with a narcissistic, controlling, overbearing parent, they are more likely to attract and be in a relationship with someone with these exact traits despite wanting the total opposite.
This is why narcissists feel so familiar—even if they’re damaging.
But here’s the good news, you can heal this. I help people reprogram their nervous system and share the tools I use to help me self regulate.
I went from controlling, codependent with disorganized attachment to solid in my feminine energy, healed, whole, secure manifesting incredible things in life. It’s your turn.
🛠 How to Stop Attracting Narcissists
The key is Inner Child Reconnection and Reparenting—the exact method I used on myself in 2015-2016 and facilitate and teach my clients.
This is not about blaming your past. It’s about:
Understanding where your emotional blueprint came from
Rewiring your nervous system to feel safe being seen, heard, and respected
Developing boundaries and self-worth that make you unattractive to narcissists along with deep self love, self care, self respect and self discipline which drives self advocacy. Meaning, you love yourself better than anyone could or should so you don’t tolerate any nonsense and can easily identify and walk away from narcissistic, manipulative people. They won’t even enter your energy field.
When you heal your Inner Child and become the loving parent you never had, narcissists start to fall away—and healthy, secure partners start showing up.
💌 Want Help Breaking the Cycle of Attracting Narcissists?
If you’re ready to finally stop attracting narcissists and start choosing partners who make you feel safe, seen, and valued, you have a few options:
👉 Take the FREE Love Life Assessment
You'll get personalized insight into your patterns and next steps.
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👉 Book a Private Coaching Session with Me
We’ll uncover your unconscious patterns and design a healing plan that works fast.
Book a Session »
👉 Join My Private Facebook Group
Get support, share your story, and connect with others who are healing. You’ll also get exclusive resources and trainings.
Join the Community »
You’ve been programmed to tolerate crumbs.
It’s time to turn the focus on yourself so you can heal fully and attract the love you truly deserve.
—
Lisa Concepcion
Certified Professional Life Coach | Founder of LoveQuest Coaching
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~Lisa Concepcion, Certified Professional Life Coach
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