Why You Lose Yourself in Relationships: A Path to Reclaim Your Identity and Break Free from Codependency
Hey it’s me Lisa Concepcion a Life Coach for people who thrive professionally yet struggle romantically. If you found this article it’s probably because you’re fed up with losing yourself in relationships. You want to end this pattern and I can help. Keep reading. This article breaks out what you feel, why you lose yourself and the one thing that will help you to remain grounded and solid in yourself so you don’t lose yourself in relationships ever again.
You’re not at all alone. Losing oneself in relationships is a very common frustration. People come to me because they are tired of over-giving as they pour their energy into their partner and try to become who they think their partner wants them to be.
They end up resentful, unfulfilled, depleted, exhausted, feeling a sense of inadequacy and even alone.
Does this sound familiar?
If you struggle with codependency (the need for love, validation and approval outside of yourself) then you may have a pattern of getting lost in relationships, tolerating disrespect, or attracting people who manipulate or take advantage of you.
You probably wonder how you can be so successful professionally yet so messed up when it comes to relationships. Stop throwing shade on yourself. The fact that you’re searching for solutions means you’re courageous.
It’s a very good thing that you’re asking this question.
This is your moment to figure out why you lose yourself in relationships. There’s a good reason you do this and now you get to know what it is.
Keep reading and I’ll help you get to the root of this matter so you can heal whatever drives you to lose yourself in relationships.
The Struggle: Losing Yourself in Relationships
You consider yourself a strong, confident, intelligent and accomplished person. So what is it about relationships that makes you lose yourself and become a people pleaser?
Here’s what often happens:
You work and then spend time with them. If you lack a solid social group and don’t have any hobbies and interests of your own you’ll only have the relationship to focus on. You most likely feel lonely so when a relationship starts up, you’ll pour all your energy into the relationship, thinking it’s your opportunity to finally feel loved and validated.
Codependents are always seeking love and validation outside the self. They are the ones who are typically making the effort and leading the relationship.
The key is to create a fulfilling life with other things going on so your relationship fits into your already awesome life. If you think the relationship is all you have going on then all energy will go to it. This leads to smothering, neediness, clinginess and an unhealthy bond.
You lose sight of who you truly are to become who your partner wants you to be: Sure you want to please your partner but if you are saying yes when you really mean no because you want to avoid conflict or be perceived as perfect, that’s a problem. You can compromise however you can’t be inauthentic.
The more you go along with what they want, the more you downplay your own needs and desires. This inauthenticity is a form of self abandonment and it becomes a turn off in the relationship. It creates a toxic cycle of you trying too hard. Love yourself and be yourself. If you think you’re not good enough, then heal whatever is at the root of those beliefs.
You are good enough. It’s time to start acting like it.You become a people pleaser: If you are lacking self love and have a need for external validation, you’ll constantly put others’ needs ahead of your own, even at the expense of your own well-being. This builds resentment. “I do so much and they do nothing, why can't they just…” You’re trying to please them to get something. It’s a form of manipulation and an indicator that your wounded Inner Child (or past verion of yourself) is the one running the show.
There is a deep wound to heal. This wound is what drives the people pleasing. Learning to say what you mean and mean what you say is key.
You may attract narcissistic partners: Narcissists prey upon people who seek external validation. If you are unable to be your number one fan and truest love, then a predatory narcissist will swoop in, love bomb you and sell you on fake love. You’ll end up emotionally devastated. Steer clear from narcissists. I can help you to never attract a narcissist again.
You tolerate disrespect: You may start off strong but once the emotional attachment kicks in, you end up allowing behavior that disrespects your boundaries. You make excuses for them or downplay their behavior. You may even blame yourself as if you brought it on. You may explode in an emotional outburst. All of this goes away when you stop tolerating disrespect.
Why It Happens: The Role of Childhood Wounds and Codependency
The reason you lose yourself in relationships is due to unresolved childhood issues. If you grew up feeling that your worth was based on how others perceived you, and your parents were critical, overbearing or judgmental or if you had to suppress your true feelings to gain love or approval, or just keep the peace, those early experiences may still be influencing your adult relationships today.
At the core of this is codependency—a behavior pattern where your sense of self-worth becomes dependent on the approval of others. As a result, you may find yourself constantly seeking external validation, even when it’s at the expense of your own happiness and sense of self.
Other common issues tied to this pattern include:
Unresolved childhood trauma: If you didn’t feel fully seen or supported as a child, you may still be seeking that validation in your romantic relationships.
A lack of healthy boundaries: Without proper boundaries, it’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship and forget to prioritize your own needs.
The inner child’s need for love: Your inner child is still trying to get the love, attention, and affirmation it didn’t receive in childhood, often leading to destructive patterns in relationships.
But the good news is that you don’t have to stay stuck in these unhealthy patterns forever. You can break free from codependency and reclaim your true self. Inner Child Reconnection and Reparenting is an incredibly efficient and effective process to heal the core wounds that prevent you from thriving in relationships.
I did my own reconnection and reparenting work and I share exactly what I did, step by step with my clients. If you’d like to begin your reconnection process click here and let’s do it. It’s an incredibly empowering and comforting process which I teach you so you can do it for yourself.
Start here by either getting your Free LoveLife Assessment or skip that step and get on my calendar.
The Solution: Reclaiming Your Identity Through Inner Child Work
The key to breaking free from the cycle of losing yourself in relationships is to do the deep inner work required to heal from childhood wounds and create a strong sense of self-worth that isn’t reliant on others.
Inner child reconnection and reparenting gives you the ability to finally be heard and validated from the inside.
It helps you to address those old wounds, change limiting beliefs, self validate and creates an empowered sense of self that doesn’t depend on external validation for worthiness.
Here’s how I can help you through Inner Child Work:
Shift beliefs and make new self agreements: Why do you think as you do? Your beliefs inform your decisions. We’ll go deep, explore the core beliefs that are holding you back from healthy relationships that aren’t stressful and dramatic.
Create strong boundaries: Inner child work is a great way to develop boundaries and standards and advocate for yourself with a neutral energy that commands respect. When you say no, it’s no. When you say yes, it’s yes.
Develop self-worth: As you reconnect with your inner child and satisfy their needs better than anyone else, you’ll start to trust yourself to make decisions that serve you well. You’ll stop second guessing yourself and will be more at ease within yourself. No more anxious attachment.
Attract better people and healthy relationships: When you heal your inner child you start making decisions from an adult place. You assume the leadership position in your own life and this repels narcissistic or toxic partners. Self loving people attract other healthy, self loving people.
This is what you want, yes? A solid relationship between two healthy adults.
How I Can Help: A Personal Invitation
Since 2016, I’ve helped people just like you—successful, confident, but struggling in their romantic relationships. I understand how frustrating it is to lose yourself in relationships, and I know how to help you to break free from this pattern.
I make the healing process fun and empowering. First I teach you how to reconnect with your inner child, how to speak to them and how to listen.
Then I teach you how to create new agreements and take the lead serving as your inner child’s guide and protector.
This is where creating boundaries and standards come into the equation.
It all adds up to a clear, self loving, solid, happy and peaceful version of yourself.
My goal is to help you stop losing yourself in relationships, reclaim your true identity, and build healthy, loving relationships that align with your authentic self.
Ready to Break Free from Codependency?
If you’re tired of losing yourself in relationships and are ready to create the fulfilling love life you deserve, I’m here to help. Click here to get your free Love Life Assessment or click here to book your one on one session with me today done via video conference.
In our session, you’ll get the clarity you’re seeking and a path towards addressing the root cause of why you lose yourself in relationships.
I did this exact work back in 2015/2016 after my divorce and it profoundly changed my life. I’ll teach you what I did and you’ll be able to do it too.
Remember, you are worthy of the love you have in your mind and heart. Do the work and that kind of love will come. Let’s start your transformation today.
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~Lisa Concepcion, Certified Professional Life Coach for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery and Codependency Cure
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