How Unresolved Trauma Hinders Friendships: Why It’s Hard to Make Friends
One of the first questions I ask my clients who come to me for help is, “what is your social life like?”
Most of my clients tell me, when we first speak, that they lack friendships. They work all the time, come home, and just want to stay in.
Some tell me that they need to make new friends and that they really “need a life.”
Most of the people I coach are between the ages of 28 and 70, so this lack of friends isn’t relegated to any one age group.
Isolation is a massive problem for everyone of all ages.
Covid-19 did a number on people. The shift to working from home gave way to isolation. Many people lost friends during Covid and and never made new ones.
It goes deeper than Covid though.
There are many people who I coach with unresolved trauma who lack the confidence to do fun things by themselves. They lost their curiosity and zest for life. They hire me to help them get their spark back.
Many are in therapy or have done therapy but want something more. That’s where I come in. I help people create their ideal life.
Unresolved trauma leads to an unfulfilled life. It has a negative effect on one’s ability to make and keep friends. When someone is traumatized, they are operating from a place of fear which influences how they interact with other people.
Traumatized people don’t trust themselves so they can’t trust others. Developing self trust and self love is what I help people to do.
If you are reading this article because you were searching for information about childhood trauma and adult friendships or simply “why can’t I make friends, or “how do I make friends,” I hope this provides you with a clear answer.
Commit to the greatness that you get to create for yourself.
Commit to healing your trauma and in that endeavor you will meet great people.
If you have been in and out of therapy it’s time to take the next step in your personal development and trauma healing.
As you commit to your own inner work and the inevitable healing that comes from working with a life coach like me, your entire life starts to open up.
Your energy shifts from a low level, ornery energy into a higher level, more optimistic and open energy. That is the energy that attracts opportunities, and great, kind people.
If you want to create your best life and are fed up with an unfulfilled life just going through the motions on what feels like a hamster wheel, then don’t delay. Commit to your healing.
Click here to get your free LoveLife Assessment. Provide as much detail for each of the questions provided in the assessment form as you’d like and I’ll send you a complete report.
So let’s get practical and into all you may need to handle in order to meet new people, make new friends and create a life that fills you with joy, excitement, fun, passion and connection to yourself and others.
1. Handle your trust issues.
If you want to make friends (and even attract a romantic partner) you’ll need to learn how to trust yourself so that you can trust others.
The first step in developing self trust is to reconnect with the wounded version of yourself who was traumatized through betrayal or emotional abuse or neglect.
If you want to learn the self reconnection process that I teach click here to get on my calendar.
If you are a people pleaser and overgive and have been taken advantage of or burned in the past then isolating yourself is a form of self protection. Why risk being hurt again? This is the mindset that keeps people alone and stuck in a boring, unfulfilling life.
Do you trust yourself to share and not overshare?
Do you trust yourself not to get all clingy or assume the worst in people?
If you know you have problems trusting others this is your sign to finally do something about it. Click here to begin.
2. Handle your fear of rejection or abandonment.
Inner Child Reconnection and Reparenting, which I did to heal myself from codependency back in 2015 and now teach, is the most efficient and effective way to heal the intense fear of rejection or abandonment that was brought on by loss, neglect, or betrayal in your past.
Perhaps you’re hyper-aware of any signals of potential rejection, and may avoid people because you don’t want to be disappointed, or feel like people just won’t understand you so why bother.
This mindset usually results in a self-sabotaging behavior where you may push people away before they have a chance to leave or become codependent, needing the other person’s validation, attention and approval which can strain relationships.
I get you!!
Let’s connect. I can help. You found this article for good reason.
3. Reconnect to yourself emotionally if numb.
Perhaps when you were an infant, child or teen, your caregivers were too emotionally immature to soothe you properly when you were sad, angry, hungry, sleepy, bored, afraid or any other negative emotion. Perhaps you were scolded for crying and sent to your room.
This teaches you to bury your emotions and detach from yourself and minimize your needs. This is emotional numbing as a form of self-protection.
Saying you’re ok and acting like everything is fine when it is not and sacrificing your needs so that other people feel more comfortable, are examples of emotional numbing for self protection.
The inner belief is, “What I think or feel is irrelevant. I have to be what they want me to be in order to be lovable. If I give more they will see how good I am.”
This creates inauthenticity and a struggle to engage emotionally with others, which is necessary to form meaningful friendships.
If you have acquaintances, and find your relationships are shallow and superficial and you’d prefer deeper, more “quality” friendships, then let’s get you the support you need.
Click here and tell me what you’re experiencing. Ask me whatever questions you have and I’ll reply.
4. Handle your overactive stress response.
Do you find yourself in an overactive "fight, flight, or freeze" response in everyday situations? If you’re very reactionary with a setpoint of worry and fear, and struggle to relax around others and have positive social interactions, then take action and heal whatever is at the root of your fears.
There is a very good reason why you feel as you do and why your life is as it is.
You get to be your own investigator and I can help you get to the root of all of it so you can finally heal, shift and create an awesome life based on what you want.
If you are tired of being anxious, constantly on edge or hypervigilant, and want to shift any ruminating thoughts or limiting beliefs that hinder your ability to make and keep friends, click here and let’s get started.
I help people with this all the time. It is common to get stuck in life due to unresolved trauma. People are working to heal their wounded inner child so they can thrive in their relationships as an adult. You can do the same.
5. Shift your negative self-image to a positive self image.
Trauma from childhood or adolescence has a very negative impact on one’s self worth. If you have an internalized message of not being good enough, unworthiness or shame, it is time to heal your inner child and adolescent.
These past younger versions of you are waiting for you to return to them and take them under your wing. Be their source of true unconditional love, wisdom and guidance.
Developing self love is a must if you want to be in happy, healthy, peaceful relationships with other self loving people.
If you have a subconscious belief that you’re unworthy of love, support, friendship, connection, care etc…then you will find it difficult to attract great people to be friends with.
People with low self worth and low self image tend to attract narcissists, abusers, addicts and toxic manipulators who take more than they give.
6. Learn how to set healthy boundaries.
If you have unresolved trauma, you most likely struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships. You might allow people to treat you poorly out of a fear of being alone or to avoid conflict. Alternatively, you might protect yourself and push people away before they can get too close.
Having standards and the ability to set healthy boundaries is what helps you to attract good people and repel the bad.
For more information on Self Love Mastery, click here.
7. Learn to be fully present.
Trauma can cause a person to mentally or emotionally "check out" in certain situations. It may be difficult to be fully present in conversations or activities with others.
Friendships often require shared experiences and emotional engagement, if you’re hypervigilant and overthinking, self conscious, or on edge, this is a sign you’re still traumatized.
The answer isn’t booze or pills. That just buries the core issue and the “real you.” Heal the core wounds and all the nervousness, references to the past or fear of the unknown future will disappear.
If you’re bouncing between thoughts of the past and future and struggle to be at peace in the present, take action.
8. Get out of self-isolation
You can’t order friends and a social life off Amazon.com and have it delivered to your doorstep. This is the time for you to make a list of the things that genuinely interest you, things you would like to learn or try and go do those things.
Loneliness is a quiet epidemic. People would rather stay in, scrolling or binge watching Netflix alone than to go out to eat by themselves, sit at the bar area of a great restaurant and meet people.
That is a massive problem and it is why people are not meeting, falling in love and building an extraordinary life.
If your past trauma has you feeling that socializing is too unsafe or overwhelming, and you are isolated, avoiding social events, gatherings, or even casual interactions, then click here and start caring for yourself.
Loneliness only makes things worse. Humans are made for connection.
9. Process emotions from past relationships and develop high emotional intelligence.
Unresolved trauma leads to emotional confusion in relationships and a lot of projection. If you never processed emotions such as anger, fear, sadness it is possible that you will attract people who bring these emotions out of you and, you may lash out, create drama, come across as moody and temperamental.
You might also make impulsive decisions. This is why doing inner work can help you shift your energy so you attract awesome people and behave in a self confident self loving, stable manner when around others.
10. Learn to recognize healthy relationships. It’s ok to feel calm.
If you were in a relationship with someone toxic or came from a toxic upbringing, your nervous system is set to that dysfunction which normalizes it.
When clients tell me their “picker is broken,” that they attract toxic people and get bored with someone who is calm, secure, and stable, I know it is because their nervous system is set to dysfunction.
Our nervous system dictates what we do, our energy and what we attract.
We attract based on what our nervous system is attuned to.
Want to learn how to regulate your nervous system? Get on my calendar.
Someone who never had an example of a healthy relationship may gravitate toward friendships or relationships that mirror the dysfunction of their past trauma because that feels familiar even though it’s unhealthy.
If you don’t know what a healthy friendship looks like or how to engage in one, it is not your fault. It is however, your opportunity and responsibility to learn how to become your truest love and best friend.
All roads lead to Self Love.
Many of my clients have had much success healing through trauma-focused approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), or somatic therapies while coaching with me.
My clients share what they discovered in therapy and then I help them apply their new found wisdom to their day to day lives so they get positive change.
This is your time to process and integrate your trauma, learn how to love yourself, set healthy boundaries, reconnect with the past wounded versions of you and truly offer them the compassion and profound care they needed but never got.
I teach all of this. I did all of this to heal. I share what I did with my clients and they learn how to love themselves deeply and truly.
Self loving people attract self loving people and go on to have a fulfilling life. They always have something fun and interesting going on in their life.
Their life has meaning and purpose.
This is what you can have too. Why stay stuck? Why waste time?
Next Steps:
Click here to get your free lovelife assessment or, click here to schedule your one on one session with me and let’s change your life.
Lisa Concepcion is a Certified Professional LoveLife Coach and Founder of LoveQuestCoaching.com and specializes in Inner Child Work and Reconnection Work to help people to heal whatever blocks them from the love they truly desire. Lisa coaches people worldwide via video conference and is soon launching LoveQuest Academy, a personal development portal offering digital courses, digital seminars and worksheets. Lisa resides in Florida, USA with her husband Mark and their Pomsky, Kevin.